Survivors' Blog

What Does Getting Back Up Really Mean for the Betrayed?

Submitted by Samuel 9 years ago

Today Samuel shares another story of a conversation he had with conference attendees about what it means to actually get back up as a betrayed spouse after infidelity.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas
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Grief

Submitted by SLM on

The grief seems to be the hardest part of all this for me. Just when I think I am moving forward another wave of grief comes. I have never cried so much in my life. My husband has a hard time understanding this. Can you pls post some articles or information about grief? I keep reminding myself that the bible promises that joy will come in the morning. Or has a Sunday school teacher once said joy will come after the mourning. But first you have to endure the mourning. I know grief is different for each person and the time table is different for each person. But is there a typical amount of time?

Thank you again for all the work you do.

Grief

Submitted by Linda Sowell (not verified) on

I wonder the same thing. It has been fourteen months since my husband walked out with a girl half his age. There was no warning. I thought we were both happy. I still cry on a daily basis. I wonder if it will ever end. I am a Christian and I know all the "right" answers. But that does not stop the constant pain of being rejected by the person who you thought for many years was your best friend.

Linda...

Submitted by Samuel on
i'm so sorry for your hurt and pain. that's a lot to process on your end for sure. the grief will end. but, as you eluded to, it's not overnight. it's not a quick fix. i tweeted out yesterday some things in life you don't fix, you carry. for your whole life. it won't always hurt this bad for sure, but there is a timeline to grieving through it and grieving forward. have you been able to take harboring hope at all? that will help for sure. knowing the 'right' answers as you said, doesn't work too well. simple platitudes won't do the work needed, as it takes time plus grieving plus support plus giving yourself grace. this is raw trauma my friend and you'll feel this for a while. slowly but surely you get back up. as i said in the comment above, each situation is different. there are a few articles above you can read that i posted in SLM's comment that may help. I would take harboring hope. i would journal as well. you need some support for sure from those who are able to relate and stand withyou. if i can do anything for you please let me know.

grief....

Submitted by Samuel on
besides deception and details about the infidelity, grief is usually the hardest part for every betrayed spouse. if it's not grief, it's anger, but keep in mind when the anger subsides grief sets in. or, to diffuse the anger, that angry person has to learn how to grieve through it. I would look at the five stages of grief if you haven't already: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. keep in mind they don't always happen in 'linear fashion.' you can go all over the map with anger, but then hit acceptance on some things, and then back and forth. it's a grind no matter what and it can be absolutely normal to be all over the map. in terms of a typical amount of time, it varies. you haven't had the easiest or simplest road/journey, so it's tough to pinpoint. I wouldn't want to identify a specific time as if it's that easy to just say 'hey by 1.5 years, you should be good.' it doesn't work like that. i'd say though, somewhere between 1 year and 2 years for someone who has had a difficult journey ya know? it also depends on the work you've done and books you've read and your understanding of grief. so, here are a few articles on the site from Rick that would be good to visit: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-how-betrayed-grieve-properly https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/understanding-grief-in-infidelity https://www.affairrecovery.com/groups/qa-what-does-true-grief-look-betrayed-spouse I would also study the five stages for more information on grief and how it operates. i am working on filming a piece on grieving forward...but didn't feel comfortable enough filming it as it was erratic. i'll get on it though. incredibly thankful for your viewership and comments. i'll pray for you today my friend.

Hi -

Submitted by teresa m on

Hi -

I would like to know if there is any new material on grieving in addition to those mentioned in the comment above. Having a hard time figuring out how to deal with grief.

Thanks,

Samuel, your blogs are always

Submitted by Karen58 on

Samuel, your blogs are always helpful. Thank you for doing them. I have a couple of questions, though. I have been grieving for almost 4 years. There have been several Ddays and "trickle-truth" disclosures in that time. The last one was this past April and was a different AP( a one night stand) from the AP he had a 20 year relationship with ( a coworker). I'm not sure when the grieving is supposed to end. It's like I just can't get through it! And I haven't been able to forgive either ( forgiveness had never been a problem for me with other issues). Everyone says I have to forgive, that it will free me, it's a gift I give myself, etc., but nobody tells you HOW to do it...I really have been trying... I have read all Rick's articles, taken AR classes, have a therapist, and am in Celebrate Recovery in a step study, but am stuck on the forgiveness step. I simply don't know how to forgive this, and don't know why I can't just let go and do it. Everybody else must find it easier than me and that makes me feel like something is really wrong with me. I also need to add that although my husband did move his office and calls me to tell me where he is, I do not see any actions in the areas of remorse, although he says he feels it in his heart. Can't ever know that for sure since he acts as if nothing has ever happened. Is it me? Is there something wrong with me that I continue to grieve and can't seem to find forgiveness?

Forgiveness

Submitted by dusty609 on

I'm really glad you posted this
I'm 2 1/2 years past D day
My husband did a lot of the same work you talk about your husband doing but I agree that no one explains how to grieve and I have forgiven him but there is still so much that feels unresolved
I have seen counsellors I have done hope for healing(betrayed), I read everything that I think will be helpful
My husband has asked that unit talk to him about it at all anymore which time is a huge cop out when he chose what he did
I just wonder if jointly we didn't go deep enough to heal
He has refused EMSO or the weekend and I signed us up for the early part of 2017
It makes me wonder if I'm one of the few who really need to leave the marriage to heal
I was hopeful we could keep our family together
I did not like you I'm sure want this legacy to follow us like it did my parents and my in-laws
I refuse to be s victim to self pity or his horrible choices but I struggle too knowing the steps to take
There is so much that for me remains inresolved

Please read

Submitted by SLM on

Samuel I know you are busy but I do wish you would take time to read and respond to comments.

thank you

Submitted by Samuel on
SLM, i read every comment posted my friend. i was out of town to speak at a church and then had some health issues so i've not been able to do much lately. thanks for the comment and for reading and watching.