Q&A Are Affairs the Direct Result of Marital Deficits?

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Question: 

Some of the Harboring Hope materials mention that affairs really don't have a whole lot to do with the state of the marriage. The materials claim that they have more to do with how the cheating spouse thinks about the world or something similar to this. Can you please elaborate on this point some? My wife blames me for the affair and has brought up everything I have done wrong for 16+ years. I have done my best to correct the behaviors she has brought up, but almost all of them were not mentioned at all until after the affair. How do I discern what were "real problems" and what were problems manufactured or blown out of proportion to justify the affair and help her deal with her shame and guilt?

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