Q&A How Long Should I Try to Hold On?

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14 months since initial discovery of my wife's emotional affair with someone online, 1 year since she claimed it was over, 5 months since I discovered continued contact and asked her to cut off all contact with him and get counseling or move out. She got mad at my demands, left me and our sons (10 & 12), to stay with a divorced friend and her 2 children. She has been saying she just needs time but hasn't sought counseling and just recently sought treatment for hormone imbalance in August. They said her hormone levels were at "rock bottom" and began customized therapy. I love my wife. 23 years married is too long to give up on the woman I love, especially if she is sick. But I'm just so weary from the fight. I don't know how long to hold on. Could hormones mess her up that bad? She once walked close to God, and now says she is resisting Him because she knows if she surrenders to Him that He would ask her to return to her marriage and she doesn't want to do that right now. Sounds like she knows exactly what she is doing and what she wants to me! I feel like someone stole my wife and replaced her with someone else in the same shell. I don't want a divorce and I don't want to try to force some decision that could backfire when she is only a month into medical treatment. But the waiting and wondering is agony. Advice?



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Perfect storm

Funny you should use the term "perfect storm", Leslie. My wife used the same term last fall when she had a moment of clarity and said "I guess it was a perfect storm - I was on the verge of losing my job of 24 yrs with the same company, turning 49, not happy with my body, not happy in our marriage..." and later diagnosed with hormone deficiency and clinical depression but only got on Lexapro for depression while doing nothing really for the hormones until this September. As for what I believe God is telling me, it's to stay the course, be still in Him and wait for Him to work on/in her. I know I am not faultless in breakdowns of our marriage leading up to all of this. I have been diligently working on those issues with counseling and pastoral help. I've been reading books and doing my best to apply the things I'm learning about myself. I want to be better positioned as a person, and as her husband, when she "wakes up." I believe I do know the real her. And I would wait as long as it takes to be with her again. I guess the agony is not even so much in the waiting, as much as it is in the not knowing what I'm waiting for. I want to believe that I'm waiting for her return to her self to God to me and my boys. But the fear of waiting for so long only to be ultimately left for good is the hardest thing and it's what torments me in all of this. Thank you for all that you do you guys have been a huge encouragement through harboring hope and through your videos and even with the mentoring couple videos. I'm not sure I would still be in this fight if it hadn't been for AR.

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