Q&A Will I Ever Be Able to Go Places Where My Husband Has Taken His AP for Secret Sexual or Relational Contact?

Submitted by Leslie_Hardie Wed, 02/14/2018 - 13:32

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Question: 

Because my partner has finally come clean and shared where his sexual involvement with the AP took place I now feel an aversion to the cities and local parks etc. where this has happened. His AP also bought season tickets with her husband and chose seats near my husband at local hockey games and football games. I feel triggered almost everywhere that I go. My therapist said that the reason this is so hard for me is that it is like going to the city where someone has murdered my child. Is this true? Will I ever be able to go places where my husband has taken his AP for secret sexual or relational contact? My world seems reduced in all of this. It just feels like more and more losses to grieve.

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Reclaiming

Submitted by drummer on

My husband leased a boat in Miami for sailing over a period of a year. After EMS weekend (Dec 2016) he asked me to join him sailing several times so we could have time alone together. I later found out he had affair 2 on the boat one year before me and affair 4 one week after our last trip. Obviously I requested he never sail on the boat again. When that discovery came out (one year after DDay 1) it totally reset our progress (which at the time I thought was good but I only knew of the first affair). needless to say it has been a very difficult second year. He just completed H4H and I thought he was in a better place. One month ago I requested he stay home as it was the anniversary of our last trip and then his last affair on the Miami boat. Even though I had requested this several times he forgot and made plans for a guys trip to FL, he said he would cancel but made me feel guilty because he needed a break and his friend had counseled several unfaithful men so I let him go. A few days after returning I found pictures on his phone of him and his friend on the same boat, he admitted he had no intention of ever telling me, that he didn’t think it would really upset me. After many tears and anger, a conference call with his H4H leader, who reinforced I needed to quide when or even if we could reclaim places, and me again devastated by his deception I thought we could move on. Now I have discovered, again by texts on his phone, not his disclosure, he leased the boat for the season and has plans to sail again. I lost it. I do not think I can ever be ok with reclaiming a place where he specifically spent days having sex with first one woman before me and then one after or the fact that he never thought of the impact this recent choice would have on me, especially being the exact week I needed his comfort for his previous boat rendezvous. He thinks I’m overreacting, that he just didn’t think and it was just a mistake but I’m now wondering if he’ll ever take into account the impact a specific choice he makes has on me and our progress.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
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