Q&A Am I Wrong to Use History to Confront Current Behaviors?

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Question: 

I have experienced 20 plus years of repeated infidelity in my marriage. This infidelity has included pornography, physical relationships with multiple women, use of escort services, and most recently an affair with a close friend. Each time I have chosen to forgive my spouse and have been the one to take the initiative to get us counseling, express my feelings and he just internalized his feelings. I have gotten to the point when I see patterns of behavior such as guarding his phone, working late, being detached; I ask him if he is relapsing. He has never admitted that he is relapsing until I find evidence and confront him. He has accused me of not forgiving him because I bring up things that have happened in the past when I start seeing patterns of relapse. Am I wrong for using patterns of past behavior to confront current behavior? Am I supposed to wipe the slate clean and pretend each new act of infidelity is an isolated incident? I show that I have forgiven by continuing to treat him with love and respect, by never exposing his infidelity to family and friends and continuing to work on our relationships. Please help to clarify how I handle past hurts and still forgive.

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