Q&A Any Considerations for Me to Determine Safety in the Relationship?

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I just finished Harboring Hope and was advised to ask a question about what might constitute not being safe. I've been married once only for 31 yrs, never lived alone, have 2 grown children. One of my children died in my home (suicide) 12 years ago and we have had a rough road. My husband had what started out as an emotional affair and led to one night sexual encounter in March of 2014. Approx. 6 mo. prior, my husband met with a representative from an alcohol recovery center to determine whether or not he was an alcoholic at my request, very unwillingly and would not let me attend. He told me that he was told he was on the border of becoming an alcoholic if he continued his habits of drinking. We each went to separate counseling at that point, at his request. We were sleeping separately. He was seeing his own counselor to take a look at his habits and decide what he wanted. Then he had the affair. I found out and he admitted everything, we separated, actually (for the 2nd time over the drinking issue the first time which my elders of our church assisted us with) in four years time. Anyway, once I found out about his affair night at our house while I was out of town, we separated and he took all the alcohol out of the house, quit his pool league, and stopped going to the bars, wrote letters to our kids and my mom apologizing for his behavior. At the time we re united this last time, we were both seeing a counselor together and this counselor thought we could come back together because he had never in his 35 yrs. seen a more repentant man and thought for sure he was done with bar activity as well and said he was not an alcoholic but a bar addict. The therapist has extensive experience with addiction. We came back together and continued to work on this issue and my co dependency issue. My husband was motivated for a time, had stopped drinking but began to visit the bar and have a soda or make phone calls or just see his old friends. Recently, I began Celebration Recovery. in the last 5-6 mo. both my husband and I stopped seeing the counselor and I've totally given him up to the Lord and am focusing on my recovery. I had planned to move out. My husband says he's tired and still just doesn't know what he wants and continues to visit the bar and play pool yet not like he was before....not as much...but still he goes even though he knows I don't feel safe with him going. He is drinking again...and though he said just beer, he admits to having harder stuff now and again and bought some for home drinking. The reason I'm still here is because about the time I was planning on moving my anxiety became so bad, I was a wreck. My daughter just got engaged and my husband had injured himself and needed surgery. I was overwhelmed. Now, I'm feeling stronger and thinking about how to proceed in this relationship in which I think I'm not a priority to drinking an bar activity to my husband. If you have any way of giving me things to think about, consider, your opinion, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you



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