Q&A How Can We Make Discovery Safe?

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Question: 

While talking, my wife asks me whether or not I did certain things with the affair partner. Sometimes it stirs emotions within me and I tell her. I don’t always have an exact memory at these moments, but I feel an uncomfortable, unsettling, within my spirit. I tell her ‘something must have happened because I don’t feel comfortable’ then one or two thoughts come to mind confirming my feelings, which I then proceed to say. In divulging this new information, my wife feels betrayed all over again and it sends her back to square one. In a bid to hear her pain, I listen to how she interprets what happened and that helps me deal with not minimizing or rationalizing. We are 6 months from D-Day and I have a deep pain within my heart and soul for what this new information is doing to her, which wasn’t there at the start because I feel connected to her in a way I didn’t feel before my adultery. At the same time I don’t have all the details she needs to help her to heal. I don’t know how to handle her ‘cross examinations’ when I don’t have all the details she feels she needs to heal and move on. Even though her interpretation may not be real, I find that not minimizing or rationalizing her story helps me to take responsibility. I always share my flashback thoughts too.

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