Q&A How Do I Enforce Boundaries While Encouraging Transparency?

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We are 3.5 months from D-Day, but he didn’t break all contact for a few more weeks. We were separated last fall because I believe my husband has a drinking problem. Now, I realize that some of the same behaviors that I was attributing to the alcohol could have been his 9 month emotional and physical affair. One of the stipulations for him moving back home was for him to reach 30 days without alcohol. He moved back in for February, but shortly after that, I discovered that he did not actually reach his 30 days. We talked it through and he recommitted to honesty. However, I have caught him several times continuing his pattern of drinking and hiding it and then lying about it. I did not kick him out of the house for lying about the drinking. I have done everything I can think of to make him feel safe enough to tell me. I desire him to tell me the truth... no matter what it is. He is not apologizing about the lying. He knows that it prevents us from moving forward. He knows that it makes him unsafe for me. He knows that his choice to continue lying puts me in a position that I do not want to be in. He has no consequences for lying to me. And that does not feel right or healthy. I desire him to trust me, but I don’t want to be a doormat. I feel he is taking advantage of my desire for our marriage. How do I lovingly enforce healthy boundaries while still encouraging him to learn to share himself with me?



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Thank you for responding.

Thank you for responding.

I didn’t make it very clear in my question... but he doesn’t think he HAS a problem.

And my fear is that if I ask him to choose between a wife who loves him and alcohol, I will not be his choice. (And to me, this proves he has a problem.). My fear is based on the fact that he continues to drink, hise, and lie instead of being all in in recovery.

I am trying to glean what I can for myself from EMSO, but as far as connecting me with my husband, it is actually confirming that he is unsafe right now.

What type of affair was it?

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-D, Texas