Q&A How do We Reconcile Plans of Sobriety With Safety in the Marriage?

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Question: 

How do we reconcile "the action plan of sobriety for the addict" and "the plan for safety in the marriage"? When I discovered my husband's infidelities (Sep. '13), it took only 7 hours for PTSD from my childhood to link to the betrayals. This made reconciling the marriage physically & emotionally painful. To help, we created a reconciliation agreement where we agreed on specific boundaries to create safety. This was not meant to be MY blueprint for his sobriety, yet by October '15, it was obvious this document felt like Control. I felt fearful & hurt because he kept violating it. It wasn't working, so I let it go. He began taking responsibility for defining his personal sobriety. However, he was indignant when I explained I still needed safety. Although he appears to be choosing to honor the old agreement boundaries, he has not shared his new action plan, nor does he share about his recovery unless I ask. He hints at wanting to experiment with more liberty than I feel safe with, but he is scared. We will eventually need the ER-level boundaries to slowly shift to maintenance-level ones. What if my fear doesn't subside? What if I can't heal? We've both tried so hard, spending $13,000 on counseling; we're wiped out. I felt more secure with a plan; now I feel unheeded and anxious. I don't want the old path of control, but being this "activated" for this long is hurting me.

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