Q&A What is it that I'm Sacrificing as the Unfaithful Spouse?

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Hi Rick. I am an unfaithful wife. We are about six months out from D-day and we are doing relatively well thanks to EMSO and my husband’s heart. However, he is the one that is sacrificing so much when I'm the one that caused the pain. He has to sacrifice way more than me as far as his triggers, living where we live, not telling everyone about the affair but a few people, etc. He has asked me more than once what is it that I am sacrificing compared to him? It does seem he has to sacrifice more than me to want to forgive, etc. but what am I sacrificing? I'm trying to do so much work on fixing me and what I can do to repair our marriage, etc. and he totally agrees with me on that. What do the unfaithful sacrifice?



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In EMSO, we had to do this assignment of listing the costs of the affair - the unfaithful would list the costs for their mate, and the betrayed as well. There is a huge amount of costs on both sides... As the betrayed, no matter how high the costs for me, I would still prefer to be in my own shoes, and not in my husband's, and that is maybe because I would have a harder time forgiving myself than him?? Do we hold ourselves to higher standards than others? Maybe? Out of feelings of superiority...?? When it comes to recovery yes indeed, the work is quite heavily on me, and that is because I am probably not the most forgiving person in this world (understatement). But I also feel strongly that when I am able to do that, and learn that, there is a lot of benefit in it for me. That I can get to a deeper understanding and empathy for myself and others. Took me quite a while to figure that out, but somehow I can start seeing that light at the end of this tunnel.

What type of affair was it?

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