How Wise Are You? Join Us on YouTube! "Now I get it," an angry spouse shouted at their mate. I doubt it, I thought to myself. I was speaking with a couple who had been working for 5 months to understand the "why" of the affair. While trying to explain the dynamics of the relationship and the frequency of contact with the AP the hurt spouse concluded, "You obviously never loved me. I never did anything to hurt you." "Are you serious? You were so controlling, I had no voice in our relationship; everything had to be done your way!" "Well at least I was always honest with you . . ." I was confident the truth lay somewhere between their two subjective realities. Unfortunately the trauma and pain created by the infidelity had left them both blind to reality. Neither could see a solution because both were self-deceived. What Does Self-Deception Look Like "An infant is learning how to crawl. She begins by pushing herself backward around the house. Backing herself around, she gets lodged beneath the furniture. There she thrashes about, crying and banging her little head against the sides and undersides of the pieces. She is stuck and hates it. So she does the only thing she can think of to get herself out—she pushes even harder, which only worsens her problem. She's more stuck than ever. If this infant could talk, she would blame the furniture for her troubles. After all, she is doing everything she can think of. The problem couldn't be hers. But of course the problem is hers, even though she can't see it. While it's true that she's doing everything she can think of, the problem is precisely that she can't see how she's the problem. Having the problem she has, nothing she can think of will be a solution. Self-deception is like this. It blinds us to the true causes of problems, and once we're blind, all the "solutions" we can think of will actually make matters worse. Regardless of our situation, self-deception obscures the truth about ourselves, corrupts our views of others and our circumstances and inhibits our ability to make wise and helpful decisions. To the extent we are self-deceived our happiness is undermined, and not because of furniture."1 The above passage reveals a sad reality for many impacted by infidelity. In the midst of the crisis, all we know to do is what we have already been doing. All too often we're blind to the larger reality of how we got here and we try to solve our dilemma using the same thought process that helped get us here in the first place. As Einstein said, "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." Doing more of the same thing that helped create the problem won't solve the problem. We're limited in what we know. I once heard wisdom defined as three simple words, "I don't know"; and humility defined as "I can't". The person capable of uttering those words is at least open to new possibilities. The greatest contributors to self-deception are pride and shame. When someone won't listen it's almost always pride. Have you ever been in a meeting with someone who's really proud? Usually it's impossible to make your point because they already know what's best and what needs to be done. While their way may be a good way, is it always the only way? Often times the proud are incapable of even seeing another way. When working with someone who believes they know every solution, I normally start my points by inviting them to "consider the possibility that…." To phrase my suggestions any other way only results in defensiveness. It troubles me to think that I may not be aware of my own self-deception. What if I have blind spots created by my pride and shame that keep me hopelessly stuck in self-defeating patterns? How Does One Combat Self-Deception? The solution to self-deception is simple enough: compassion and concern. Failure to view others through those two lenses leaves me blind to my contribution to the problem as well as my role in the solution. Instead of considering their needs just as important as my own, I try to get what I need from them and begin viewing them as the problem rather than considering how my behavior contributes to the situation. The solution to pride requires both wisdom and humility. Being willing to consider maybe I don't know and I might need more than me to get out of this allows me to consider others and other possibilities. Some of you might be asking what this has to do with infidelity. But please hear me – it's terribly important. When we betray another or someone betrays us, we typically think we know what needs to be done. We think we know what's needed to feel better. The problem is the strength of our reaction to the pain or shame is the very thing that blinds us to other alternatives. Whether you're the betrayed or the betrayer, I encourage you to try to maintain an attitude of compassion and concern for your mate. This will help maintain some balance in how you see your mate. Continually remind yourself that you may not know what's best, and that you might not have all the answers nor the ability to do it all yourself. This mindset can open up a world of new pathways for finding a new life. Finding and Maintaining Freedom If you don't know where to turn, I hope you'll join our community at Affair Recovery. If nothing else, at least consider joining our Recovery Library. If you're looking for freedom from not only self-deception but pride as well, I hope you'll consider the possibility that you need a new, expert driven approach. Our EMS Online course is a safe place for you and your spouse to start a new beginning with expert care and curriculum from those who have gone through it before. You can register today at 12pm CST. Are you a hurt spouse in need of some encouragement, hope and community? Consider attending our 1-Day Hope Rising conference on Saturday, October 6, 2018. Seats are filling up fast but you can still join this amazing conference from the comfort of your home via our live stream. To find out more information or to register click here. 1The Arbinger Institute. Leadership and Self-Deception. San Francisco: Berrett- Koehler, 2010. Print. Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Recovery FundamentalsWhy Marriages FailRL_Media Type: TextAA Codes: HurtUnfaithfulSave marriageGive up on marriageNot sure about marriageWhatever it takesJust get over itLeaveUncertainFemaleMaleSuspicious Sally / Jealous JimCompetent Carla / Good GuyHysterical Hannah / Righteous RickNeedy Nancy / Desperate DannyShattered Sherry / Tortured TomKnowSuspectCybersexAffairsPorn/MasturbationEscorts/Topless clubsOne night standFallen in loveAddictionInappropriate relSexualNon-sexual
