After Infidelity: How Wise Are You? "Now I get it," an angry spouse shouted at their mate. I doubt it, I thought to myself. I was speaking with a couple that, after infidelity, had been working for five months to understand the "why" of the affair. While trying to explain the dynamics of the relationship and the frequency of contact with the affair partner, the betrayed spouse concluded: "You obviously never loved me. I never did anything to hurt you." "Are you serious? You were so controlling. I had no voice in our relationship; everything had to be done your way!" the wayward spouse rebutted. "Well, at least I was always honest with you ... " I was confident that the truth fell somewhere between their two subjective realities. Unfortunately, the trauma and pain created by the infidelity had left them both blind to reality. Neither could see a solution because of their own self-deception. Gain Tools to Heal After Infidelity at Hope Rising! Are you a betrayed spouse in need of some encouragement, hope and community? Consider attending our virtual Hope Rising conference on Saturday, October 2, 2021. Spots are filling up fast, but you still have a chance to join this amazing conference — all from the comforts of home. To find out more and register, click the button below. Purchase 2021 Hope Rising Tickets! What Self-Deception Looks Like In the midst of the crisis after infidelity, all we know how to do is what we’ve already been doing. All too often, we're blind to the larger reality of how we got here, and we try to solve our dilemma using the same thought process that helped get us here in the first place. The following passage from “Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box”* by the Arbinger Institute reveals a sad reality for many after infidelity: “An infant is learning how to crawl. She begins by pushing herself backward around the house. Backing herself around, she gets lodged beneath the furniture. There, she thrashes about, crying and banging her little head against the sides and undersides of the pieces. She is stuck and hates it. So, she does the only thing she can think of to get herself out: She pushes even harder, which only worsens her problem; she becomes more stuck than ever. If this infant could talk, she would blame the furniture for her troubles. After all, she is doing everything she can think of to break free. To her, the problem couldn't possibly be hers. But, of course, the problem is hers, even though she doesn’t see it that way. While it's true that she's doing everything she can think of, the problem is precisely that she can't see how she's the problem ... nothing she can think of will be a solution.” This is what self-deception looks like. As they explain, “It blinds us to the true causes of problems; and once we're blind, all the ‘solutions’ we can think of will actually make matters worse.” Self-deception can not only keep us stuck, but it can also: Distort our reality about ourselves and what happened. Influence our views and opinions of others for the worse. Hinder our ability to make healthy, helpful and informed choices. Negatively affect our overall sense of happiness. As Albert Einstein said, "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." Doing more of the same thing that helped create the problem won't solve the problem. We're limited in what we know. I once heard: Wisdom defined as three simple words, "I don't know,” and humility defined as, "I can't.” The person capable of uttering these words is at least open to new possibilities. How to Combat Self-Deception The greatest contributors to self-deception are pride and shame. When someone won't listen, it's almost always pride. Have you ever been in a meeting with someone who's really proud? Usually, it's impossible to make your point because they already know what's best and what needs to be done. While their way may be a good way, is it always the only way? Often, proud people are incapable of seeing another way of doing things. When working with someone who believes they know every solution, I normally start my points by inviting them to "consider the possibility that ..." To phrase my suggestions any other way results in defensiveness. When we aren’t aware of our own self-deception or have blind spots created by pride and shame, it can keep us stuck in self-defeating patterns. The solution to self-deception is simple enough: compassion and concern. Failure to view others through these two lenses leaves me blind to my contribution to the problem as well as my role in the solution. So, instead of considering their needs just as important as my own, I try to get what I need from them and begin viewing them as the problem rather than considering how my behavior contributes to the situation. The solution to pride requires both wisdom and humility. Being willing to consider “maybe I don't know” and “maybe I need more than me to get out of this” allows me to consider others and other possibilities. How to Find and Maintain Freedom Some of you might be asking what this has to do with infidelity, but please hear me — it's terribly important. When we betray another or someone betrays us, we typically think we know what needs to be done. We think we know what's needed to feel better. The problem is, the strength of our reaction to the pain or shame is the very thing that can blind us to other alternatives. Whether you're the wayward spouse or the betrayed spouse, I encourage you to maintain an attitude of compassion and concern for your mate. This will help you maintain some balance in how you see them. After infidelity, take time to remind yourself that you might not know what's best, and that you might not have all the answers or the ability to do it all yourself. This mindset can open up a world of new pathways for finding a new life after an affair. If you don't know where to turn, I hope you'll join our community at Affair Recovery. If nothing else, at least consider joining our Recovery Library. If you're looking for freedom from not only self-deception but pride as well, I hope you'll consider the possibility that you might need a new, expert-driven approach. Our EMS Weekend is a safe place for you and your spouse to start a new beginning with guides who’ve gone through this before, a supportive community of other couples currently walking similar paths and a robust, research-based curriculum. Tickets Are Now Available for Our 2021 Hope Rising Conference! There is hope after infidelity and betrayal. If you're the betrayed spouse, we invite you to take the first step in transcending your pain by attending our 2021 Hope Rising Conference on Saturday, October 2, 2021. Our eight incredible speakers have been through the heart-wrenching, devastating experience of infidelity, and they want to inspire you and empower your healing and rebuilding. "This is the first time I have ever talked to other betrayed women or listened to talks specifically for the betrayed. It made me realize that what I am feeling and going through is ‘typical’ for the betrayed. I finally didn't feel like I was crazy or overreacting, and my feelings were validated." — 2020 Hope Rising Conference attendee. Purchase 2021 Hope Rising Tickets! 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