“Now I get it,” an angry spouse shouted at their mate. “I doubt it,” I thought to myself. I wish it were as easy as that. I was speaking with a couple that had been working for 5 months to understand the “why” of the affair and to find a solution for their situation. While trying to explain the dynamics of the relationship and the frequency of contact with the AP the hurt spouse concluded, “You never loved me.” “I never did anything that hurt you.” “Are you serious?” “You were so controlling, I had no voice in our relationship, everything had to be done your way.” “Well at least I was honest…” I was confident the truth lay somewhere between their two subjective realities, but the trauma and pain, created by the infidelity, had left them both blind to reality. Neither could see a solution because both were self-deceived.

“An infant is learning how to crawl. She begins by pushing herself backward around the house. Backing herself around, she gets lodged beneath the furniture. There she thrashes about, crying and banging her little head against the sides and undersides of the pieces. She is stuck and hates it. So she does the only thing she can think of to get herself out—she pushes even harder, which only worsens her problem. She’s more stuck than ever.

If this infant could talk, she would blame the furniture for her troubles. After all, she is doing everything she can think of. The problem couldn’t be hers. But of course the problem is hers, even though she can’t see it. While it’s true that she’s doing everything she can think of, the problem is precisely that she can’t see how she’s the problem. Having the problem she has, nothing she can think of will be a solution.

Self-deception is like this. It blinds us to the true causes of problems, and once we’re blind, all the “solutions” we can think of will actually make matters worse. Regardless of our situation, self-deception obscures the truth about ourselves, corrupts our views of others and our circumstances and inhibits our ability to make wise and helpful decisions. To the extent we are self-deceived our happiness is undermined, and not because of furniture.” (The Arbinger Institute. Leadership and Self-Deception. San Francisco: Berrett- Koehler, 2010. Print.)

The above passage reveals a sad reality for many impacted by infidelity. In the midst of the crisis all we know to do is what we have already been doing. All too often we’re blind to the larger reality of how we got here and we try to solve our dilemma using the same thought process that helped get us here in the first place. As Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." Doing more of the same thing that helped create the problem won’t solve the problem, and we’re limited in what we know.

I once heard wisdom defined as three simple words, “I don’t know;” and humility defined, as “I can’t.” The person capable of uttering those words is at least open to new possibilities. The greatest inhibitor to self-deception is pride. When someone won’t listen it’s almost always pride. Have you ever been in a meeting with someone who’s really proud? Usually it’s impossible to make your point because they already know what’s best and what needs to be done. And while their way may be a good way, is it always the only way? Even more, the proud are incapable of even seeing another way. When working with someone who believes they know every solution, I normally start my points by inviting them to “consider the possibility that….” To phrase my suggestions any other way only results in defensiveness.

What troubles me is not knowing whether I’m self-deceived, or if I have blind spots created by my pride, and if those things have me hopelessly stuck in self-defeating patterns. How does one combat self-deception and pride?

The solution to self-deception is simple enough: compassion and concern. When I begin trying to manage and control people I know I’ve moved into self-deception. Instead of considering their needs as important as my own, I now am trying to get what I need from them and begin viewing them as the problem rather than considering how my behavior contributes to the situation. For pride, the solution is both wisdom and humility. Considering that maybe I don’t know and that I might need more than me to get out of this allows me to consider others and to consider other possibilities.

Some of you might be asking what this all has to do with infidelity, but it’s terribly important. When we betray another, or someone betrays us, we typically think we know what needs to be done. We think we know what’s needed to feel better, but the strength of our reaction to the pain or shame is the very thing that blinds us to other alternatives. Whichever side of the equation you’re on, whether you’re the betrayed or the betrayer, I encourage you to try to maintain an attitude of compassion and concern for your mate. That will at least help in maintaining some balance in how you see your mate. Continually remind yourself that you may not know what’s best, and that maybe you don’t have all the answers or the ability to do it all yourself. That can open up world of new pathways for finding a new life.

If you don’t know where to turn, I do hope you’ll join our community at Affair Recovery. At the very least you’ll find knew ways of understanding which can help you find knew solutions. Consider joining our Recovery Library to get the knowledge you need to try something new.