The Importance of Wisdom Following Infidelity "Now I get it," an angry spouse shouted at their mate. I doubt it, I thought to myself. I was speaking with a couple that, after infidelity, had been working for five months to understand the "why" of the affair. While trying to explain the dynamics of the relationship and the frequency of contact with the affair partner, the betrayed spouse concluded, "You obviously never loved me. I never did anything to hurt you." The wayward spouses rebutted, "Are you serious? You were so controlling. I had no voice in our relationship; everything had to be done your way!" "Well, at least I was always honest with you ... " the betrayed spouse's words lingered in silence. They were at an impasse again. I was confident that the truth fell somewhere between their two subjective realities. Unfortunately, the trauma and pain created by the infidelity had left them both blind to reality. Neither could see a solution because of their own self-deception. Consider joining Hope for Healing where you'll find community for isolation and healing for shame —and that's just the beginning. Learn More | Hope For Healing! What Self-Deception Looks Like In the midst of the crisis caused by the infidelity, one or both partners often revert to the same thought and behavior patterns they were doing before. They are blind to the larger reality of how they got there as they attempt to try to solve their dilemma using the same thought process that brought them to their point of crisis. The following passage from "Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box"* by the Arbinger Institute reveals a sad reality for many after infidelity: "An infant is learning how to crawl. She begins by pushing herself backward around the house. Backing herself around, she gets lodged beneath the furniture. There, she thrashes about, crying and banging her little head against the sides and undersides of the pieces. She is stuck and hates it. So, she does the only thing she can think of to get herself out: She pushes even harder, which only worsens her problem; she becomes more stuck than ever. If this infant could talk, she would blame the furniture for her troubles. After all, she is doing everything she can think of to break free. To her, the problem couldn't possibly be hers. But, of course, the problem is hers, even though she doesn't see it that way. While it's true that she's doing everything she can think of, the problem is precisely that she can't see how she's the problem ... nothing she can think of will be a solution." This is what self-deception looks like. As they explain, "It blinds us to the true causes of problems; and once we're blind, all the ‘solutions' we can think of will actually make matters worse." Self-deception can not only keep us stuck, but it can also: Distort our reality about ourselves and what happened with our marriage. Influence our views and opinions of others for the worse. Hinder our ability to make healthy, helpful, and informed choices. Negatively affect our overall sense of happiness and the happiness of those around us. As Albert Einstein said, "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." Doing more of the same thing that helped create the problem won't solve the problem. It sounds so simple, but essentially, we're limited in what we know. I once heard wisdom defined as three simple words: "I don't know," and humility defined as two simple words: "I can't. The person capable of uttering these two phrases is at least open to new possibilities! How to Combat Self-Deception The greatest contributors to self-deception are pride and shame.When someone won't listen, it's almost always pride. Have you ever been in a meeting with someone who's really proud? Usually, it's impossible to make your point because they already know what needs to be done and why your idea won't work. While their way may be a good way, is it the only way? Proud people are often incapable of seeing another way of doing things. When working with someone who believes they know every solution, I normally start my points by inviting them to "consider the possibility that ..." To phrase my suggestions any other way results in defensiveness. Good people can fall into an unhealthy state of arrogance. It's really important to recognize it before it does damage to you and everyone around you! We know that when we aren't aware of our own self-deception or have blind spots created by pride and shame, it can keep us stuck in self-defeating patterns. The solution to self-deception is simple enough: compassion and concern. Failure to view others through these two lenses leaves us blind to our contribution to the problem as well as our role in the solution. It's not healthy to get what what we need from others and then view them as the problem. Instead, we need to consider how our behavior contributes to the situation. The solution to pride is wisdom and humility. Being willing to consider "maybe I don't know" or "maybe I need more than me to get out of this" allows me to think of others and consider other possibilities. How to Find and Maintain Freedom Some of you might be asking what this has to do with infidelity, but please hear me — it's terribly important. Pride and self-deception can strike either partner. When we betray another or someone betrays us, we typically think we know what needs to be done. We think we know what's needed to feel better. The problem is the strength of our reaction to the pain or shame is the very thing that can blind us to what we need to work on or change. Whether you're the wayward spouse or the betrayed spouse, I encourage you to keep an attitude of compassion and concern for your mate. This will help you maintain some balance in how you view them. After infidelity, take time to remind yourself that you might not know what's best, and that you might not have all the answers or the ability to do it all yourself. This mindset can open up a world of new pathways for finding a new life after an affair. If you don't know where to turn, I hope you'll join our community at Affair Recovery. If nothing else, at least consider joining our Recovery Library. If you're looking for freedom from not only self-deception but pride as well, I hope you'll consider the possibility that you might need a new, expert-driven approach. Our EMS Weekend is a safe place for you and your spouse to start a new beginning with guides who've gone through this before, a supportive community of other couples currently walking similar paths, and a robust, research-based curriculum. 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