I would say the marriage intensive was extremely valuable for us particularly In light of the fact that we went very early after disclosure. I don't know that my spouse EVER would have come to grips w what his infidelity had cost us, what the many faceted effects there would be to me personally, to our relationship. Nor did he realize until then that it would be a long healing process, not linear but roller coaster. He also learned to "man up" and take responsibility for all the many "costs" to me, to him, to us and how to assist me In a long recovery. He learned many things about himself and the things contributory to the infidelity within himself and the relationship. Quite frankly, we suffered a catastrophic event much like a bomb blast and we were adrift not knowing what to do next. Our marriage intensive weekend saved our marriage. It prevented us from making life altering decisions In the heat of the moment, in the pit of agony and despair. It gave us hope and direction.

My husband and I forked up the cash to do three weekend intensives focused on affair recovery and sexual addiction. We did the couple's weekend with Rick and his Affair Recovery team and then we each did an individual retreat focused on sexual addiction. They were all worth every penny (and yes, it's a lot of pennies). But we learned whatever you put before recovery you have a high risk of losing...so we invested everything we had to make sure in the end we kept what mattered most -- our marriage, our sanity, our family, the healing of all three. I will never regret all the money we spent to get the best help available. Every day when I look at our happy little son it reinforces that it was the right decision to make.

My h and I did the recovery program over the phone six years ago. I will say it was something worthwhile. I don't think it was as strong as it is now. Since Rick started these blogs I felt we missed that crucial window of time to seriously address what to expect in the process of healing. The information just was not part of the program at the time. I have since learned just how utterly complicated my marriage was and how we had so many factors stacked against us. In the past six years I have had to commit to healing myself from the effects of not only my h's affair but the fact that it was 10 years of a duplicitous life of lying, cheating, his sex addiction and porn, his emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, and spiritual abuse towards me in those 10 years prior to discovery, and while the affair stopped, the rest of the problems persisted. I clung onto the misguided theological teaching and preaching of "God hated divorce" and "Sacrificial forgiveness" and "extending grace" to the point of serious depression, trauma, loss of self esteem and my ability to mother my children and protect them from divorce. Unfortunately it exposed them to a terrible toxicity. It wasn't until I went to a domestic violence support group that I heard what I needed to hear. Even my pastors were not trained well enough to understand and know how to effectively counsel us - individually or together.
My h used to say that at the time he was not capable of hearing anyone - he was that deep into himself as his own god.
I've since learned a tremendous amount about narcissism.
I've known all along that a lot of my husband's character make up is deeply rooted in his childhood - his own sexual molestation by his older brother, the rages and abuse and eggshells he walked on from his dad's abuse (which perpetuated from his own childhood abuse)...
I had hope that he could heal from it - really - I still think he could if he could let go of the armor around his heart...
But here I am - 2 months after filing for divorce - I finally saved enough money, sacrificed time with my children while taking courses to establish a new career in my mid 50's so I could support myself and hope for a peaceful retirement.
My husband still lies to me about finances. He still screams at me and our children if he had a bad day or if I tell him something he doesn't want to hear about our finances. He still blames me for the ramifications of his own decisions that put us in this financial and emotional chaos.
I haven't had any intimacy in 15 years because of how he had been treating me...
It all hurt so much - the betrayal and the lies and the loss of hope. My grieving was very lonely.
The costs are still adding up - not as much from the affair but the inner turmoil my h still refuses to address.
If there's any advice I could impart if you would receive it:
Do not stay in an abusive relationship - it affects the kids horribly - my kids have no idea what affection looks like between parents.
Learn to deal with anger, shame, guilt, insecurities, reasons you lose trust in each other and the reality of how long it takes to gain that trust back.
Don't ever quit trying - but only if the other person is actively trying too.
You cannot fix a broken marriage alone. It takes 2 healthy people.
And by all means don't stay if the other refuses to address all issues. (Especially why they continue us to lie).