Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Ever Wonder Why Men Cheat and Why Women Cheat?

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Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives.

"I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant.

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Ever Wonder Why?

Why men and women cheat may be the most common question we hear. After all, how do you reconcile the unfaithful spouse's behavior when it seems so contradictory to their past? How do you wrap your mind around such foreign, out-of-the-blue behavior?

If you're asking the above questions about a cheating spouse, you may also be asking countless other questions like:

  1. Why did they do it? How could they do that and still want to be with me and love me?
  2. What does the other person have that I don't?
  3. Why would they risk their married life here with me for cheap passion with someone who is so messed up and trashy? Can't they see how unrealistic the new relationship really is?
  4. Why do men cheat or why do women cheat and then seemingly have no conscience about it?
  5. Did he or she ever really love me to begin with?
  6. How does a betrayer or a cheating spouse think? (i.e. WHAT were you THINKING?!)

I'll take a shot at trying to answer some of the questions below, but keep in mind the limited space here doesn't allow for exhaustive answers. I'll do my best to speak to the issues in a concise and pointed manner. For more help though, please visit our free resources.

Why did they do it?
How could they do that and, at the same time, still love me and want to be with me?

For starters, a key principle in life—and certainly in understanding infidelity—is the concept that behavior does not equal motive. How often have you done something you didn't want to do? It happens all the time. And while infidelity is horrible and gut wrenching, it is certainly something that people can get into and then discover it's not what they really wanted.

All too frequently, we follow our emotions, falsely believing we want something, only to discover once we have it that it's not what we want at all. In the moment of truth, when the mistake is discovered, it can seem like it's too late. Loyalty bonds have been broken, hearts crushed, vows shattered. I firmly believe lives can be healed, but many times, at the beginning, convincing the parties that their lives can be restored is the bigger challenge.

For the hurt spouse, the question to the cheating spouse remains, "How could you if you really cared about me?" The fact is that caring has little or nothing to do with what they've done. They behaved in spite of caring. A tragic yet poignant aspect of these situations is how they actually reveal to the unfaithful mate what they really wanted all along.

The larger issue is usually for the hurt spouse. It may be painful to believe that their mate really does care about them. You see, believing that means they should or will feel compelled to consider re-entering the relationship, which is a very big leap emotionally. Time, expert help, and proper reconciliatory efforts are the only commodities which can reveal the truth. If you're what they really want, then they'll go the distance and give you the necessary space to heal.

What does the other person have that I don't?

There's no way to determine the why right now. A lifetime can be spent searching for the why. There are as many reasons why as there are stars in the sky. The complexity lies in the multitude of factors driving that choice for the cheating spouse.

For some, the infidelity is caused by unhealed and unresolved baggage brought into the marriage. At times, it's a maladaptive response to problems in the marriage. Rather than addressing issues head-on, someone may use some form of infidelity as the solution to their dilemma.

At times, it's about an addiction and, at times, it can even be a situational mistake where someone does something careless in the moment and then feels trapped and unable to disentangle themselves. I'm certainly not minimizing harmful and hurtful behaviors, but it is very possible to end up where you don't want to be and then be absolutely lost on how to extract yourself and salvage the marriage.

Typically, the cheating spouse says they enjoy how the affair partner makes them feel. Affair partners tend to serve as a vanity mirror, casting an image of ourselves that we think looks pretty good, and the spouse as a makeup mirror, magnifying and highlighting all our flaws. This is why the affair partner seems to be the preferred commodity, but, in the long run, it's just an illusion, and eventually, the negatives and unresolved baggage will show up to destroy once more.

Why would they risk their married life here with me for cheap passion with someone who is so messed up and trashy?
Can't they see how unrealistic this relationship really is?

In all honesty, there is a good chance the person who's acting out isn't even thinking about risking a life of calm and serenity for the excitement of being with someone else. The compartmentalization that most betrayers and even addicts utilize separates the two realities in their mind. The risk is part of what brings the adrenaline and excitement, but the reality of losing everything they hold dear doesn't really hold any weight in the moment. At one level they may be aware that they could lose everything, but the reality of that possibility doesn't really register in their mind. This explanation seems literally incomprehensible to the betrayed spouse, however, it's a very real mindset for the betrayer. It's a difficult concept to explain to someone who's not an addict. It's a bit like trying to describe light or color to a blind person. You can tell them what it's like, but unless you experience it, then it's hard to believe someone could actually think this way.

Please don't hear me saying this is an excuse for this type of behavior. It absolutely is NOT. The person who lives like this still does know that what they're doing is wrong and that there are ways to deal with the mess they've created, but they have to make that choice on their own. We can help create opportunities for them to come out of the haze of their choices, but it requires their own commitment to the process.

Why do men or women cheat and have no conscience about it?

Why do people cheat and have no guilt regarding their actions? The real answer is that only a very small percentage of the population experience little to no guilt when acting out. The vast majority feel the prick of guilt, but they use defense mechanisms, such as blaming, victim thinking, minimization, rationalization, or denial, to push their conscience away. If they have resentments toward their mate, they may justify their actions by feeling their spouse deserves it because of their lack of concern for their emotional and/or sexual needs. If they've been engaging in the behavior for a longer period of time, their heart may have become hardened to the behavior and it no longer seems that bad, at least to them.

A lack of remorse doesn't mean someone has no conscience. It can be an indication that somehow, in their mind, they have come up with a way to justify what they've done in order to avoid taking responsibility for the failure.

Did they ever really love me?

This one is hard to answer. It all depends on how you define love. One thing is for certain, if someone betrays their mate, we all agree that what they've done is not loving. However, I believe every human being is capable of loving someone and, at the same time, in a moment of selfishness, acting in ways that are contrary to love. Loving your mate in no way precludes you from being angry with them and saying something hurtful. Saying something hurtful certainly isn't in the same league as a betrayal, but if your love for your mate isn't sufficient to keep you from acting in a way that's unloving toward them, then their love for you may not be sufficient to keep them from doing something hurtful to you.

On the other hand, I believe many people, including cheating spouses, have a pretty shallow understanding of love. They get married thinking they love their mate, but in reality, they love how their mate makes them feel about themselves. If that's the case, they will continue in the relationship as long as the marriage continues to make them happy. But if, for whatever reason, the marriage ceases to make them happy, or if they find someone or something that makes them feel even better, then it won't be long until the allure of something or someone better draws them elsewhere.

If that occurs, does it mean they never loved you? Almost surely, no, but it can get complicated, especially when one or both spouses are neither honest nor sure about their feelings. It's possible that the unfaithful partner's journey into the forbidden may have opened their eyes and helped them realize that their spouse is what they really cherish. At this point, their reality begins to shift and it's a teeter totter of guilt, despair, and confusion as to what to do next to try and save the marriage. At the very least, if they are choosing to work on the relationship, I believe their betrayal and the response of their partner may be the very thing that begins to teach them the true meaning of love and open up a door for true reconciliation. I know this type of restoration is possible. I've seen it with my own marriage as well as countless others who decide to give the marriage a chance to be restored.

How does a betrayer or cheating spouse think? (i.e. WHAT were you THINKING?!)

I'm sad to say, if they had really been thinking and considering the impact of their actions, there is a good chance they never would have done this. I can't tell you how many times I've heard both men and women state if they had known the consequences of their actions before they had acted, they would have never done it. I think very few people rightly consider all the costs when they act out in betrayal. For your sake and theirs, I wish they had been thinking. I'd have less business, but the world would be a safer, happier place!


Regardless of where you've landed after your attempts at reconciliation or healing, I want you to know there is hope today. The callousness of your spouse or the unrelenting hurt in your own heart doesn't, at any level, disqualify you from being able to find hope, healing, and a restored love. It's not easy, and it's not overnight, but the hard work that occurs during the healing process makes the end result more than worth it. Relationships are at risk. The rest of our lives are at risk. Such precious commodities need a proven approach that is rooted not in shaming or 'guilting' you or your spouse into recovery but in leading you down a road of discovery and healing.

I hope and pray you'll reach out today for help. If you'd like to join us at our upcoming EMS Weekend, you'll want to hurry and register here: https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend.

Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited!

Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives.

"I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant.

Spaces fill up quickly for this course. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below.

Subscribe to Registration Notifications!

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Comments

Oh I think they know

Oh I think they know theoretically! They just think they are slicker than reality, think no way will they get caught and so
Over time it really isn’t something they dwell on. They wouldn’t lie, over cover their tracks if they didn’t know the consequences. It’s just wanting the cheating stuff is more important

They know what they are doing

I have to disagree because in my husband’s mind he had everything planned out. He rode off into the sunset and drove 3000 Miles to be with his high school girlfriend. He figured that I would get on with my life and take care of the kids. He talked about co-parenting and what his expectations were. He honestly believed that they were in love and that I had kept him from doing the things he wanted in life. We had been married for 20 years at the time of his affair. We had a beautiful home, a wonderful family and he just kicked me to the curb like a pair of old shoes. The whole time he just kept denying that he was having an affair. They were just good friends. When she finally dumped him he came home. He refused to talk or go to counseling. It has now been 15 years and a few months ago he decided to spill his guts. I feel like I am back to square one, and I am in so much emotional pain. So many lies and deceptions.

Husband Cal

Why did they cheat. Absolutely great video.. Two and a half years past D Day and it still seems like yesterday.

Be Careful

I spent 12 years in "couples therapy" following the disclosure that my H had been living a secret life with many other women for our entire (30+ year) marriage. I was diagnosed with PTSD, but most therapists discounted and didn't even begin to address that component. In a couples weekend, we wives were told to picture our husbands as little boys and feel the compassion. They had us take personality tests to see what kind of person we were (all 4 types had their good and bad points). They did an exercise where one spouse looked at one side of a sponge which was green, and the other spouse was shown the opposite side, which was red. They then made an analogy that no one is "wrong" - and we should respect the others' viewpoint. I remember thinking: My H is asking me if I'd participate in a 3-way - is this a "viewpoint" I should respect?? Are you kidding me? We came back from the weekend with me in the fetal position for a whole day. This incredibly expensive workshop was supposed to be healing. It just further traumatized me. Now a decade and a ton of research and experience later, I have finally found the truth. My H is a narcissist - he was abusive, not just with infidelity, and narcissists typically are extremely difficult to change. Beware, my friends. So many marriages when infidelity is involved the betrayer is a narcissist, and covert narcissists are the worst as they are so sneaky you end up wondering if you're the crazy one. If the husband and wife just go for "couples therapy" the wives will live in agony for years trying and trying to change their husbands, all for naught unless you identify the narcissism and the man agrees to intensive and deep therapy with an experienced professional to work on character building and empathy skills. Unfortunately, it's pretty rare that they will be successful, so if you've tried your best and your H is still being abusive, either through lying, cheating, minimizing your pain, ignoring you, or similar crazy-making behaviors, your best bet is to say good-bye, grieve, and move on. Sorry to be the harbinger of bad news. Good luck, everyone.

To be fair, you didn’t go to

To be fair, you didn’t go to an Affair Recovery EMS Weekend. You don’t state that anywhere in your essay and it’s easy to misunderstand that fact and equate some “couples weekend” you attended, with what the Affair Recovery team does here.

The main difference here is a focus on infidelity specific healing. My wife and I spent 7 years in couples and marital therapy and it taught us how to play pretend normal for the next 28 years. We found the AR site, did their Boot Camp and found that we might have a chance to finally recover from an infidelity that defined our 45 year marriage in the background.

We decided on the longer and more detailed Harboring Hope and Hope for Healing courses as opposed to the EMS Weekend because it seemed a better fit for us. With 6 weeks under our belts for HH and 4 weeks for H4H I can say unequivocally we’ve learned so much more about the why’s and wherefore’s of the infidelity and how to heal from it than the 7 years we spent trying to “save” our broken marriage listening to non-specific marital advice.

Granted, there’s no guarantee on anything in life, but putting us in separate groups with people that have gone through the same type of immense pain, suffering and insecurity allows for a unique and safe, venting, grieving, learning and healing environment.

I only wish this was available 35 years ago, because I probably wouldn’t need to be here now.

Question

In the line "A tragic yet poignant aspect of these situations is how they actually reveal to the unfaithful mate what they really wanted all along.", is the reference to the unfaithful mate a typo? If not, is it possible for someone to explain what is meant by this?

Husband affair with howorker

Nutshell, dday was NYE 2021
We have been trying to rebuild since. I just have so many things I'm struggling with.
Some being, what my gut is telling me is true, which a lot of it, his affair partner confirmed but my husband denies. Some things he admitted to after denying them however.
He also gets extremely angry and defensive.
On dday, he said he wanted a divorce, I said I didmt, then he confessed to being unfaithful and told me he loved his AP. Mayne it was limerence but whatever it was, he had told her he loved her and was looking at apartments and divorce attorneys a month before dday without ever telling me anything. Tje affair was about 7 months long. I kicked him out that night and he ignored me while texting and calling her over 400x.
The next night he told me again he loved her and not me and just wanted to be happy
I ended up asking him to come over and talk and he did and we agreed to reconcile but then he kept in contact with her behind my back for at least a month til I caught him, but they still.worked at tne same.plave so who knows when they actually stopped talking
She knew things that were happening in our lives after that and he claims she just heard it from.people at work but then in April he came he with gifts sje bought him.tjat I found in his lunchbox a week after he told me, AGAIN, he wasn't in love with me, but we had also been fighting A lot
He claims a mutual coworker friend passed them from her to my husband, she said they were still.meetimg and kissing and talking and he was telling her he wasn't happy with me and didn't know what was gonna happen

Sje also told me he told her when he left me for a week 10 years ago, he was also seeing another coworker then too.

I don't know what to believe

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas