I think I’m one who cannot recover from the devastation of betrayal. My husbands second life is just too much to bare. I can’t believe this is my life.

Yes, as the betrayed spouse, I’m bearing much pain. Sometimes I think, “How can I ever survive this betrayal of my love and trust?”
What I am observing though is my unfaithful spouse in greater pain. I liken his pain to angrily backing out of the driveway and running over your child. That realization that your actions destroyed the thing you loved most and there’s no rewind button, no way to undo the tragedy.
He is a man of deep emotion, the one in the family who cries at sad movies. He was the best daddy when our kids were little and a helpful, considerate husband who adored me. He is now a broken man, loathing himself and his past actions, and wondering how he could have risked everything for something so meaningless and of little value. He says the past 4 years were a dark and lonely time, and he felt far from God, with a gaping hole in his life that he tried to fill with the attention he got from women. He didn’t love them. It wasn’t fulfilling. It left him with thoughts that dying would be preferable because he felt there was no way out of the hole he had dug for himself.
So I gather this weeping man in my arms and I tell him that he’s like Peter, who denied Christ 3 times, and wept for the pain of betraying the one he loved the most. What did Jesus do? He greeted him warmly and asked three times, “Peter, do you love me?” He offered Peter grace and 3 chances to say, “Yes Lord! You know that I love you!”
Jesus knew Peter loved him and he forgave the betrayal. I’m not Christ, admittedly it’s hard for me to offer forgiveness because of my husband’s sin, and really, only Christ can exonerate him. I CAN ask the Lord to help me to love sacrificially, to comfort and encourage my husband as we both try to heal. I know, we sometimes get the message that it’s supposed to be all about the betrayed spouse, but I have compassion for the pain my husband suffers from his poor choices.
I think our worst pain comes not from what others do to us, but from what we inflict on ourselves. That pain is preventable and we allow it, we allow ourselves to destroy the only real love that exists in our life. I see that kind of pain daily in comments and on the forum.

I am hopeful that my husband and I can heal. I believe we are finally on the path to a life-sustaining and fulfilling life of love.

I am new to posting on here, so apologies if I ramble on or this is on the wrong subject etc. My wife and I separated just over 2 months ago now, I was a terrible husband, I had multiple affairs and constantly took the love she had for me for granted. I was never happy with what I had, and what I had was a devoted wife who would have done anything for me, forgave me for all my wrongdoings over the 10 years we were married, gave me 3 beautiful children and so many experiences and memories. We had an amazing life yet I kept searching for something more. Since we have separated following her discovery of me meeting another woman..... again, we have hardly spoken, initially very angry conversations and then nothing, everything has moved so fast since that day, I moved out initially to a family members and now to a place of my own, she has filed for divorce, the arrangements for the children are still up in the air with me only getting minimal time with them, yet I cant stop thinking about her. I want nothing more than to hold her and beg for forgiveness and fight for her, but I cant talk to her let alone explain how I feel. Multiple times a day I want to send her a message asking to meet up to just talk, but I don't have the courage, because a: she clearly doesn't want to talk to me and has asked for all communication to be through the solicitor (I can hardly declare my feeling through the solicitors!!!) b: I fear rejection and I can only see it going that way, I have pushed her too far this time. I don't know what to do, there is not a minute that goes by that she isn't on my mind and I know at the moment I feel isolated and alone (due to the current lockdown situation) but I think one of the biggest things I took for granted I actually how I felt about her, I was a master of pushing feelings aside good or bad, and now I'm alone and I don't have anywhere to hide, my heart is heavy with guilt and sadness, but also the strongest of love for her, the old saying you don't know what you have lost till its gone is certainly ringing true. I know this is all the consequences to my actions and I don't deserve her in my life but I suppose what I'm asking is... do I try and make contact? There is obviously a lot more to the story then this little snippet and I know the hurt I have caused, but I don't know how to move forward.

My unfaithful husband is working hard at doing all the right things to be loving and working to repair our marriage. He’s done H4H I’ve done HH. We both see private therapist. We’ve tried. It’s been 18 months since DDay. I just can’t get past it all. The betrayal was long lived and deep. I think we are a couple that will not be a success story. It’s all just too much for me. Sad sad sad.

Thank you so much for this. I’m encouraged by it. I love my wife and am committed to forgiving her. The pain is heavy but I have known for years I would not leave her if she was unfaithful. This has definitely put me to the test. But I am going to stick with her and help her find the help and healing she needs.

The article this week is spot on, my wife confessed the affair Jul 2021. she eventually disclosed the sexual affair lasted 6.5 years, she has owned it though to be fair there were circumstances that helped the affair to occur, me not being here due to a job and the POS was her personal trainer, he's also a certified life coach etc... he played her and they had way too much together time due to the personal training (yes, he was and still is married and I'm sure my wife wasn't the first). This has / is the most difficult journey I have ever gone through and I have been through many traumatic situations in life since I was 3 years old. Regardless, healing through love I believe is the only way to truly heal and thank you for the words of encouragement. PS, if you sensed a note of my anger toward the POS, yes you sensed correctly and I don't anticipate that going away anytime soon, he's the antithesis of what a real men is! Lastly "We love God because he first loved us".

I cheated on my wife. After many years of a healthy marriage, I strayed from her with another woman. I carried on my betrayal for 2 years. I never ended the adulterous relationship, but instead took the queue from the other woman when she finally rejected me. I hid the secret from my family for nearly 10 years before finally revealing the truth after being asked by my wife. For 10 years I’ve harbored guilt, remorse, sadness, and regret for what I had done. Understandably, my wife is angry, confused, embarrassed, devastated, and broken-hearted. I’ve grown over the last 10 years and do not feel that I’m that same selfish man that threw his family away all those years ago. Nothing I say can undo my horrendous actions, but I so desperately want to show my wife the love I’m capable of after 10 years of reflection and introspection. Please help me understand her pain so so I can help her process this devastation.

Thank you for your content! It has been a major part of my recovery from addictions and compulsions that turned me into the human wrecking ball you referenced.
For a long time, I was deceived. I was dangerous. And I was desperate to control what I was powerless over... something that made my life and the lives around me unmanageable.
I am a sex, love, and fantasy addict and a recovering co-dependent.
A woman addicted to written pornography since age 12. At the time, I was a child escaping a terrifying and toxic reality... terrifying and toxic adults who I loved, hated, needed, and depended on. I escaped that home... but the strategies I used to escape to a sense of safety became a prison of patterns that kept me stuck.
I was obsessed with the "true love" portrayed in smut. I chased the highs of flirting and crushes, while quickly tiring of relationships once they required something of me. I wanted so badly to love and to be loved... but I had no idea how to love someone well.
I honestly don't know if I'm 100% sober yet. That's probably the grace of God, showing me the recovery I need just for today. If I could fathom the depths of my addictions, the far-reaching implications, and the full road to recovery... I would break. But for the past 1,020 days, I have found more freedom that I ever thought possible.
Not the freedom portrayed in the books I read voraciously to escape real-life demands and responsibilities. Not the freedom I thought I found being "the real me" online. Not the freedom in sneaking, hiding, lying, living a double-life. There was no freedom in the prison of my patterns...

The truth is setting me free.
The truth is that I am powerless over my addictions. If I think I have an ounce of control over what has controlled me for years... I'm lying to myself. If I could control this, I wouldn't be an addict! But I can now be transparent with and accountable to others for the first time in my life. On a daily basis, I can surrender all the beliefs that lead to compulsive behaviors. I can work with others who have been there, done that, and have found recovery on the other side. I can chase sobriety with the same intensity I chased my drug and high of choice.
Today, I have a new sense of engagement in my life... It's not just happening to me, or a baseline I'm using as a springboard for escape.
I'm living my own life for the first time.
I can now breathe when my husband casually picks up my phone, because I have nothing to hide. I can't speak to his story, his recovery... but only thank God every day we're still together. Still trying. That he's willing to courageously carry the pain I can't take back. He's no longer an idol on a pedestal, but he is a hero. And he tells me, "I really like the you that you're becoming." That is love.

Addicts are not bad people trying to be good. We are sick people trying to get well.
When I was at my rock bottom, my sickness nearly killed me.
Since then, I have had to learn to give myself some of the love I wanted so badly to give to others, and for others to give to me. The article here sums it up perfectly. "Love is the practice of screwing up, circling back, making amends, giving up the right to be right, and then trying again and again and again..." And I can offer that love to the scared, sad child-version of me who is learning to trust that adult-me won't abuse and abandon her anymore. Only God as I understand God can give me the strength and courage to work my life out from the inside out. To reparent myself and make amends with others while staying focused on my own recovery, instead of trying to "help" everyone else.

Just for today, I am sober and healing. I am recovering and free.

And this program, this content is medicine.

Thank you to all of you!