Q&A Should I Tell the AP's Spouse? To watch the video please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library. To watch the video, please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library.Gain unlimited access to over 1,800 articles and expert Q&A videos.Already a Recovery Library member? Log in to listen to the full recording.Question: It has been just over 1 year since DDay. My husband had a 4 year affair that I uncovered. He took immediate responsibility, ended things with his AP, told me he was relieved it was over, and has been trying to become the man he has always wanted to be. When he called his AP to tell her I now know about them, she was very worried that I may tell her husband. I have spoken to her once, and texted with her once but there has been no other communication. My question is this. Is it right that 3 out of 4 people know about what happened? On the one hand, their marriage should not be my concern (but I admit I spend a great deal of time thinking about them). On the other hand, are we still living a lie? And am I now part of that lie? Would it be worthwhile to phone her husband and advise him of what happened so all parties can end this lie and be accountable? This has troubled me the entire year because I feel that accountability is such an important part of healing. However, I understand that my husband has been very accountable to me so perhaps that should be my concern. He is totally against me telling her husband but I think it's obvious why that would be a concern to him. I have weighed this decision carefully but it seems that I'm never quite at peace with how it was handled. Yes, there is a part of me that doesn't think it's fair that she gets to live her life without all of this pain and I realize that is NOT a good reason to tell her husband. The flip side of me wants to protect their children from the heartache we've experienced. Can you provide me with some guidance so I can put this issue to rest?Sections: Recovery LibraryRick's Q & A timeRick's QuestionsRL_Category: Affair PreventionFor The Hurt SpouseHandling DiscoveryQ&A Recovery LibraryRecovery FundamentalsSafety in RecoveryRL_Media Type: Video Thank You!! Submitted by [name hidden] on Sun, 05/17/2015 - 19:52 Thank you for always giving such sound advice. I can feel so determined to do something and worked up about it, and then come here to get advise or reassurance and am brought back down to my knees in thanking God that he has spoken to me through you!! I found myself in this Submitted by [name hidden] on Tue, 10/20/2020 - 08:24 I found myself in this situation. My addition to this would be that I have an impression that I am the 4th person, that her husband may have had clues about what had been going on long before the D-day hit me. What would be your comment on that situation?