Q&A Why am I Afraid to Move Forward to a Normal State?

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Question: 

It’s been 10 months since D-Day. We have gone to counseling, am in a group with other betrayed women, read all your articles and blogs. It is almost as if I am keeping myself in this state of pain and turmoil because moving forward means not focusing on how devastating it has been. I know all the right answers about how to forgive and what it means, being stuck, I'm only hurting myself, etc. yet it is as if I don't want to move forward. Is there any new advice or practices that could help me?

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We are 2 1/2 years old. My

We are 2 1/2 years old. My wife still has multiple multiple intrusive thoughts each day. We have done the EMS online the first year. I have done Hope For Healing. And she is done harboring hope. The past six months she has retired from her job and she’s had a lot of time to sit at home. And the questions just keep on coming with the intrusive thoughts. I have become More and more. And I have become less patient and I have lost my cool several times this past weekend was the worst I was literally yelling and cussing at my wife. I know I’m the one who did this I know I was the one that was unfaithful. It is just constant every day every morning every night and it’s been 2 1/2 years. And if I expressed that to her she gets very angry with me. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking about getting on some antidepressants so I won’t blow my top so I can get through this stage. My wife has also done EMDr our therapy for about a year as well. And we do a fair recovery therapy for the past 2 1/2 years as well together. We are considering an in-house separation because we don’t know how else to keep each other safe because I am literally starting to lose my chill and be weary and tired and obscene not very much hope. I love my wife and I want to see this marriage through. I love our family and kids we are just feeling really stuck.