Survivors' Blog

My Top 3 Struggles in Recovery

Submitted by Samuel 10 years ago

Today I share my top three biggest struggles early on in recovery.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas
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Samuel

Submitted by cloleo15 on

Thank you Samuel. I have read and watched many of your videos and blogs and find them very helpful. I believe my husband is probably struggling with these same three issues as you did. It's been 7 months since D-day and I am finally, with God's help, able to forgive but there are days when it's hard to remain focused on extending love and grace to a man who deceived me and betrayed me and who still acts unforgivable at times due to his lack of empathy for me. What helps is focusing on Jesus and his finished work on the cross and that I am imperfect as well. It's a real balancing act trying to be loving and careful about what I say so I can be safe for him to open up.

Anyway, I realize he is very unhealthy still and comes across as a 12 year old when it comes to intimacy. He doesn't even have a lot of insight as to why he let things get to the point of infidelity. Talks of escapism, that he still loved me, etc. I know he is dealing with shame but doesn't want to be pushed into recovery. He even criticizes me that I'm focusing too much on "this" subject.

He said recently "let's see if we can get along for any period of time before I will decide if I will take a recovery course" and throws in my face that I'm too this or that and just doesn't see hope, etc in a blaming tone and attitude. It's so frustrating dealing with him and his immaturity. At least he said he doesn't want to be that person again and promised to me before God that he will never lie to me again, i.e. if he gets to where he feels like escaping, etc that he will be honest, or has struggles with lust, etc that he will be completely honest with me.

How would you deal with him if you were me? I realize I can't force him into recovery. I did give him an ultimatum that he needs to participate with me because I need to know that he is serious about never going back to that darkness again. He got upset because we weren't getting along and said he should just start packing then, rather than stay and work at it. I'm still serious but am thinking I will just have to take things a little slower. I am trying to focus on being loving and affectionate and reaching out to him even when he doesn't with me. I am trying to look at it as he is doing the best he can at this point and believing that love will eventually lead him to the path of recovery. If it doesn't at least I did the best I could. I'm not dumb enough to think he wouldn't commit adultery or fall back into porn again if he doesn't face things rather than bury it all and not actively pursue healing and recovery. It takes God's grace to reach out in love to someone who hurt you deeply and struggles with having empathy for you. Thank you Samuel!

thank you for sharing cloleo15

Submitted by Samuel on
man that's tough. i'm very sorry. it's only been 7 months, but i would be tough on him. the whole 'lets see how we get along before we take a recovery class' is akin to 'lets see how bad the cancer gets before we get radiation...' if you want to heal and preserve life, you need help (ie medicine etc) asap. to see how you can heal on your own is asking for trouble, especially when it seems as though intimacy and acting kind and empathetic is rather foreign to him right now. and for him to 'promise' he'll never lie again or this or that, i think is unrealistic. he's not strong enough to do this on his own. let's face it, his own efforts weren't strong enough to prvent it in the first place, so why are his efforts 'really going to be strong enough now' to prevent it? i think he's trusting, and you may be trusting in his power and it's never going to be enough. i'm being blunt but i hope it helps and isn't offensive. i would tell him that you're not going to rely on his power and his own ability which we know is destined for failure. and that either we take a course, or X. X could be no physical intimacy. or him moving to the guest room. or...whatever you think will get his attention. like one of my other blogs says, he gets to say no, but he doesn't get to say no and then have life remain the same. if you enable him he will just keep doing what he is doing. this article may help: https://www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-cooperate-without-being-controlling I realize some can say i'm playing arm chair quarterback, but the fact is, you can't allow him to keep being in charge of waht recovery looks like when he's the one that's been unfaithful and he's the one who has caused this trauma. seven months is not much time and without expert help of some kind, it's no time at all to be honest. this article will also help in terms of going it alone and taking some of the power back and deciding you'll not enable the behavior any longer: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/healing-infidelity-alone. this isn't un-christlike to take the power back. it's not unchristlike to ask him to take action to help you both heal. him saying that you're focusing on the subject is ignorance and him not understanding and knowing that you have to talk about it or you can't heal. i hope all this helps and feel free to post again and i'll do my best to answer when I can.

Thank you!

Submitted by cloleo15 on

Samuel, thank you and I totally agree with you. I have been praying about this and I thank you for being blunt and I do not find it offensive at all. I do not want to just pretend normal. I want a chance to have a wonderful marriage, not the same marriage we had before. I did tell him again that I was serious about us getting help for healing and that I haven't changed my mind...that it's what I expect to happen. Later today I will tell him what the consequences will be when I get a chance. Bless you for all you do to help others. Yours and Samantha's story and others stories give me hope.

brilliant blog entry

Submitted by Joanna (not verified) on

brilliant blog entry
I am the betrayed
this blog has really helped me to recognise a lot of things in my (now departed more than 1 year) husband
i never knew that he felt rejected by me - and i ask myself over and over what I should have done differently and i am not sure
if he never talks to anyone about it in his whole life will he ever have an insight or do some people just continue with their self deception forever?
once they have gone is there anything the betrayed can do or is it out of their hands / too late in terms of the marriage?

Resentment

Submitted by Brokenheartedwif (not verified) on

I watched your video over your top 3 struggles. I'd love to see one by Samantha or another BS on how they dealt with the Resentment a BS feels over the WS taking petty things and building up resentments to justify Adultery in their minds and betraying and devastating the BS while destroying the Marriage. It's all well and good that you as the WS finally dug down and admitted you were using resentment as a justification, but I don't see any video's to help the BS deal with the very real resentment of sexual and emotional betrayal and the utter selfishness, pettiness, childishness , and lack of love for them of their WS.

brokenheartedwif

Submitted by Samuel on
thank you for your comment. i'm unclear as to what WS means so maybe you can help me with that?

What WS means

Submitted by Brokenheartedwif (not verified) on

WS is wayward spouse.

Resentment

Submitted by dazedandconfused on

Ditto to what Brokenhearted asked. I too would love to hear the BS side of it all

Resentment

Submitted by willaT on

Samuel,

My husband and I are currently in the EMSO class and we are 3.5 months post D-day. He says up and down that he wasn't resentful towards me. He was happy with our life but the AP was just different. He fractured himself into believing that if he wasn't blaming me, or trashing me to the AP, and wasn't making negative comparisons (or any comparisons as he claims) then it was ok--it was compartmentalized.

Yet, at the same time, our life was starting to fall apart. I kept saying you don't feel present. You're acting like a zombie. Why are you always on your phone? To finally, you lack basic human empathy, where have you gone.

It was think final transformation that lead to my investigations and him being caught after a mostly emotional affair 23 plus months which turned intensely quote "mind bogglingly" physical the last month.
I feel like he's a bit in denial and I want to be in denial to. If he doesn't resent me, if he didn't resent me, then it's not my problem.

But I don't know how one can get so involved and enmeshed and so caliverly ignore the needs of ones spouse, let alone the vows, without some level of resentment.

Is he not thinking deeply enough? Is he still in denial? Or am I trying to force a narrative that's not there?

great question willaT

Submitted by Samuel on
WillaT, you have asked a great question. short answer is, i'm not totally sure. there doesn't have to be resentment for him to have an affair and compartmentalize it and box it up. however, we don't know why we cheat till we get the right help and hopefully the emso will continue to help him 'get there.' additionally, the why of our affairs expands as time goes by and as the years of recovery work are done. I truly believe that. my why now, is far different and far more in depth than it was at 9 months or even 19 months. you MAY be forcing a narrative that isn't, but he didn't just wake up one day and wreck his life and yours. it just doesn't work that way. i would consider maybe not looking at resentment, but more at understanding what allowed him to do what he did. this six part article series is exceptional to read for insight into the mind of the unfaithful. it's something rick wrote and it's one of it's only kind out there: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-we-commit-betrayal-with-infidelity https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/thought-processes-that-lead-to-affair-and-betrayal-how-could-you-part-two https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/moral-justifications-unfaithful-spouse-uses-to-have-affair https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-doublespeak-and-distorted-comparisons https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/betrayal-the-secrecy-factor https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/affair-dehumanization-and-blame I'd love to hear your feedback after reading the series if you don't mind......

Resentment

Submitted by willaT on

Samuel,

My husband and I are currently in the EMSO class and we are 3.5 months post D-day. He says up and down that he wasn't resentful towards me. He was happy with our life but the AP was just different. He fractured himself into believing that if he wasn't blaming me, or trashing me to the AP, and wasn't making negative comparisons (or any comparisons as he claims) then it was ok--it was compartmentalized.

Yet, at the same time, our life was starting to fall apart. I kept saying you don't feel present. You're acting like a zombie. Why are you always on your phone? To finally, you lack basic human empathy, where have you gone.

It was think final transformation that lead to my investigations and him being caught after a mostly emotional affair 23 plus months which turned intensely quote "mind bogglingly" physical the last month.
I feel like he's a bit in denial and I want to be in denial to. If he doesn't resent me, if he didn't resent me, then it's not my problem.

But I don't know how one can get so involved and enmeshed and so caliverly ignore the needs of ones spouse, let alone the vows, without some level of resentment.

Is he not thinking deeply enough? Is he still in denial? Or am I trying to force a narrative that's not there?