Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Were They Thinking of Me?

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"What were you thinking?"
"Did you even consider the consequences?"
"I just don't understand how you could ever do this without thinking about me and the kids!"

Carol's eyes burned into Tim's soul like laser beams.
Tim, her unfaithful spouse, hung his head in order to avoid her gaze.

"I don't know," he stammered.

"Liar!" she screamed.

Unpacking the Story

Carol and Tim came to see me after the discovery of Tim's four-month affair with a co-worker. Discovery had occurred when the two of them were rearranging their living room furniture. Tim handed his phone to Carol while he moved the couch. That's the moment when Ann's text popped up saying,
"Love U. Can you drop by?"

Carol stared at the phone in disbelief. Tim saw the look on her face and asked what was wrong. She held up the phone, revealing the text. At first, Tim lied, saying it was nothing. Then he claimed they were just friends, but once she discovered his secret email account, he came clean.

From the beginning, Tim told her it was just a fling and meant nothing, but that only inflamed Carol's anger. Was he willing to put her and the kids at risk and lose his family over something that meant nothing? He had written Ann, telling her he loved his wife and that it was over, but that offered little relief to Carol, who was triggered each and every day he left for work. He had fooled her before; how could she know if he was telling the truth now?

Tim begged her not to leave and swore it was over. He agreed to whatever she wanted if only she'd give him a chance. She wanted answers and she wanted them to get help. That's how they ended up in my office. Carol just couldn't get her mind around it. They had a good marriage and she'd been a great wife; why hadn't that been enough? What was missing? What could lead Tim to risk it all for some fling that, allegedly, meant nothing?

No, They Typically Aren't Thinking About Their Spouse

"Didn't you even think of me?" Carol asked Tim.

The tension in my office was off the chart. We were approaching a dangerous level of confrontation. I figured it was time to step in.

"Would you like to know some truth behind his actions? " I asked.

I turned my gaze to Tim,

"Do you mind if I share with her some observations, and you can correct me if I'm wrong?"

He nodded his head in fear-filled consent.

"When he was with his “affair partner” (AP), he rarely thought of you, but what's probably more painful is the fact that when he was at home, he frequently tried to escape life and responsibilities with the family by thinking of his AP."

"Why?" she cried. "Is that true?" she demanded to know, looking at Tim.

"He's right." Tim sheepishly said.

Healing Requires Raw Courage

Before I go on with this article, I'd like to ask you a similar question: are you up to the challenge of understanding the painful dynamics of infidelity? Part of the danger in writing this article is my use of some broad, sweeping stereotypes and generalities. Please remember to take the best and leave the rest. I'm only here to help.


We cheat because we're unhealthy. There's a litany of things we could have done rather than cheat, but we weren't brave enough to do them. For most betrayed spouses, it's difficult to fully grasp their mate's explanation because of what we call "assumed similarities."

We can only judge or understand another's motives by what it would mean if we did the same thing.

For instance, if you're not prone to pain avoidance, then it might be difficult to understand why some people drink in order to avoid pain. Today, I hope to provide you, the betrayed spouse, with a perspective that will help you genuinely understand what is often going on in the mind of an unfaithful spouse. This kind of understanding can help bring clarity, healing, and peace of mind.

Affairs Are About Escaping

This is a hard truth to absorb, but my goal today is to help bring much needed insight to difficult and painful situations. Having said that, I've been in this field for over 40 years and have seen over 3,500 couples. A majority of the unfaithful spouses I have worked with have reported thinking about their AP when they were with their mate but rarely thinking about their mate when they were with their AP. One person said there were times she thought of her mate when with her AP, but she only focused on the things she disliked or was angry about in order to push her guilt away. While this may be disturbing to the betrayed spouse, I believe it helps explain a dynamic frequently present in unfaithful spouses.

While this may be disturbing to the betrayed spouse, I believe it helps explain a dynamic frequently present in unfaithful spouses.

Affairs, as well as many other acts of infidelity, often serve as an escape.

They provide distraction and fantasy, allowing the unfaithful spouse to escape the pressures and realities of life and feelings of inadequacy. Unfortunately, in that moment, little or no thought is given to the impact of their actions; they are solely focused on what they stand to gain (escape, approval, affection, etc.). Rarely does anyone consider why they are doing what they're doing or how it will affect everyone else in their life. Typically, their only thought is, "I'll never get caught." They don't consider what it must inevitably cost their mate (or themselves) or what they could do to improve their existing relationship—the one they invested in for years prior to the affair.

To say infidelity is self-absorbed and selfish is a colossal understatement.

When it comes to relationships, it's impossible to find someone capable of meeting all your needs or someone whose needs you can fully meet. You may love your mate and be content in the relationship, but we are two separate individuals making sacrifices and compromises to live life together. For many, it's the fact that they've given so much that makes them value their marriage.

If, however, we are under-invested, then we won't value the relationship to the same degree. With a lack of value comes a lack of motivation to protect and work through the difficulties of marriage. Instead of maintaining an attitude of love and caring concern as we vowed to do, we betray ourselves—abandoning love and becoming self-consumed. Whatever captures our attention captures us, and as we focus on our mate's failures, we lose sight of how we are failing our mate and family.

Misery is increased when we focus on what is lacking rather than the blessings we have.

We move into self-deception, extolling our virtues, minimizing our faults and falsely believing we deserve better. We make it our spouse's fault that we're cheating, as we're forced (or think we're forced) to go outside the marriage to get our needs met.

If life is viewed through that kind distorted lens, it's tempting to start dreaming of something different as a way of escape. It's interesting how easily we're deceived into thinking our problems will be solved by a change in circumstances.

Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth. External fixes rarely work and almost never last. The only type of baggage that never gets lost in transit is our personal baggage. That baggage never fails to show up at the new address! That baggage never fails to show up at the new address.

It may be hard to fathom, but many unfaithful spouses don't actually want to leave their marriage. They do try to escape their reality (at the expense of their mate) through the activities of their secret life, but they don't intend to leave so long as it remains a secret. If they are trying to escape reality through the illusions created by their extra-marital activities, then they do not want to burst their fantasy bubble by thinking about their mate. Thinking of their marriage only destroys the illusion and kills the secondary gain of their fantasy. They are trying to escape what they believe are the pressures of life and marriage as well as their unmet needs, while also trying to silence the voices of shame they live with each day. Why stop this fantastical way of life if it is the drug they are using to escape reality?

Fantasy is the window to our soul. The illusions we create through fantasy and acting out reveal what's broken about us, NOT what's wrong with our mate.

Much of recovery is based on learning to see our own defects rather than those of our mate. It's based on learning to see how our actions impact others rather than focusing on how our mate affects or has affected us. It's learning to own and accept, and eventually transform, what we have rather than fantasizing about different circumstances that appear better. It's about diffusing the self-absorption and learning how to make life about others and not only about ourselves.


Eventually, Tim came to see his patterns of self-deception and avoidance. He actually began investing in the relationship rather than leaving that sort of thing to his wife. Carol finally came to understand it wasn't about her. As she came to understand the “why” behind Tim's actions, she began to have hope that things could, in fact, change. As she witnessed his efforts to address his personal issues, she developed a confidence that things would be different. Tim's efforts to understand what he'd done to her helped her see that he cared and was also on a journey to find a new sense of humility and personal transformation. Finally, Tim's commitment to helping her heal revealed that he was thinking about someone besides himself.

If you're still searching for why, maybe this gave you some insight. As I said before, the above-mentioned explanation in no way excuses betrayal of any kind! I do hope, however, that it serves as a reminder that great relationships aren't based on the circumstances being right. Rather, great relationships are largely dependent on choosing to be the right person and owning our own dysfunction and failure.

Continuing infidelity recovery is difficult and requires serious courage. If you and/or your spouse want expert help as well as a community who understands what you are going through, sign up for EMS Online and experience the hope and healing thousands of couples have found through this program.

Continue Your Healing With EMS Online! Registration Opens Soon.

Our Emergency Marital Seminar Online, better known as EMSO, isn't a one-size-fits-all program for couples. Over decades of experience exclusively in the field of infidelity, our methodology has been honed to better serve couples as they address the betrayal, reconnect as partners and restore their lives.

"I would like to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your ministry and the materials you have provided as part of EMSO and Married for Life. We, all five couples that started EMSO, have just completed the Married for Life 52-week course. We are now deciding what to study next as a group, as we so value the relationship we have together as couples. With God, with your materials and with each other, we have saved our marriages." - B. Minnesota | EMSO participant, March 2021.

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It's been 6 years since my

It's been 6 years since my husband's 2 year physical affair and 8 year cyber "friendship" with his old high school flame was discovered and ended. We have 6 children together and we're married almost 20 years when I came across evidence of his affair in 2011. Even though he has been physically faithful since that day, he has yet to do the work to help me feel safe or us heal from this life implosion. I can say I'm not where I was 6 years ago but I know we are not where we should be. He is still underinvested (as discribed in this article) and I'm getting tired of giving much more than what is being given. I keep reminding myself that sometimes what is best for the family as a whole and what is best for the individual is sometimes opposite directions. I don't know how much more I can or should take.


My husband has been unfaithful to me twice that I know about, and honestly probably many more times. When I try to communicate with him about it he gets defensive. He thinks that I should apologize to him for asking him whose phone numbers are coming up on his phone bill and if he is still keeping secrets from me. He seems to have no desire to help me understand his thought processs, help me heal, or get to a place that I feel confident about our marriage. He still deletes his browser history. I have been with him for 21 years and I am lost. I am a direct person, and absolutely have no desire to keep my head in the sand. I also do not want to stay 21 more years with someone that I can’t trust, and is unwilling to answer my questions. I have allowed months to go by thinking that at some point that he would be willing to have a conversation about everything. Should I file for a divorce? I am to the point that I can’t continue feeling like I am not worth the effort.

Thank you for this

I haven’t been able to understand why he would do this to us. This article helps understand why I wasn’t in his thoughts.

I discovered my husband infidelity of past 12 years

I feel completely devastated as I discovered my husband s extramarital affair in April 2019,the affair was going on since past 8 months. Then he left the AP, we listened to a few TED talks and we were good.. Felt as if I m ok to move on.. He even shared his Facebook and Gmail passwords. I then started checking the FB and Gmail, trying to fish out more messages with the words 'sex'. As I doubted that the recent affair was not the only affair he had. He was abroad for 10 years before he joined me since last 3 years. To my amazement and complete shock I discovered his 3 live in partners abroad.. And other just 'hug' and yet another full body massage exchange partners. And at least 4 close family members, and 5 other close friends whom he sent the pictures of APs and too much hate mail for me. He also developed long distance romantic relationship with his own distant cousin! I caught hold of several nude couple pictures. He also contracted STI s twice during aboard stint. My last new bomb info came in just a month ago. I feel sickened and shocked to core, I joined a chat group. There your website was suggested. I have found tremendous help in Samuel's videos and all free resource material. In fact I m finding peace only by reading your articles and watching the videos with my husband. My husband is very cooperative now, so far was just playing victim and playing blame games. I have made it absolutely conditional to read an article jointly every day. He would love to read relationship improvement literature with me rather than dealing with your articles where he gets labelled 'unfaithful' every day. I m adamant though and don't want to read any other literature at the moment. Hopefully my marriage will survive, thanks, Rick n Samuel you are doing such a great job. Thanks🙏

on valentine's day, I caught my husband with his ex wife

This happened on valentine's day, I caught my husband with his ex wife at a dinner party in a restaurant, I cried home and almost hit a truck. I actually has concluded that we are done from this marriage, but I took a second thought when I got home, I REALIZED THAT IF i SHOULD LEAVE, THEN MY HUSBAND WOULD NOT HESITATE TO GET MARRIED BACK TO HIS EX WIFE.

This doesnt make me the betrayed feel any better

To say “they werent thinking of me or the consequences doesnt make me feel better about my wifes 13 year affair! I have to make decisions that will effect the resr of my life and i take that serious! You know there are a number of natural safeguards in place that help keep us from making such life changing decisions (conscience morals, etc) Then there are warnings we grew up with. Not one cheater ever “didn’t know the consequences” they may have chose not to care, but they all are aware of them. They ALL know that adultery is grounds for divorce. They learn that just like us faithful learn that.

To say they werent thinking about it, is something they Chose to do to make themselves feel ok about doing it. They KNEW the consequences but chose NOT to think about it cause they wanted to do it. I had many temptations and fought them off like we are designed to do. It was tough at times but those consequences were right in front of my face to prevent me from following through.

My wife had two affairs that i JUST found out about. The first one started 8 months after marriage and it lasted 4 times over a few months and the second one lasted 13 years from 1998 to 2011... but i just found out about them. When that happens you go back and have to re-write history and this is the hardesr thing to do. When you think your wife is 28 years faitful and you find out she couldnt even make it one year it totally screws up your world and mind. Oh and especially when the first one was with my boss and the second my best friend! Its been 3.5 months since DDAy after two months prior trickle truth and i am still in a situation of trying to make it fit in my mind. When you believe for 28 years one thing and then in about 5 minutes they unload all this nasty stuff on you, its too much for my simple mind to comprehend.

But them NOT thinking sbout consequences was a choice she made. Now she cant live with herself cor the pain she has caused. That is why cheaters crush their spouse and then say “i wasnt thinking about the consequences.. i only thought of me.. that certainly doesnt make me feel any better. The purposely hopped over those natual safeguards we have in place to keep us from cheating, then they got exactly what they deserved. “I cant change it” NO you cant honey. You KNEW that then. Oh i forgot you didnt think about it. Well that is why we are in this screwed up situation. How many times do Cheaters hear “you reep what you sow? Did they think that was for “other people”. My wife acts like that was just a bible verse and never understood it, but she sure does now. I love her so much and always will. When she was NOT thinking about me or the consequences, I Was loving her, when she started flirting with him, i was loving her, when she said Yes i will meet you at the hotel, i was loving her, when she made love to hin, i was loving her... its sad to see that love so one sided.

I feel your pain and hope you

I feel your pain and hope you can eventually find peace. It's tough, and we (those betrayed) can only hope and pray to, one day, find peace. I know it's hard 😔.

Infidelity shock

29th November 2019 was our D-day.
We are working things out after a long term infidelity ( about 5 or six years) from my husband.
What I find very difficult to accept is that during that time, despite the affair, we continued to plan for our family, we even bought a new house, I came back home after living abroad for working reasons.
He always came to visit and we always made love.
I cannot believe he was able to look at me in my eyes, to lie to me telling me he was going ALONE in his business trips, telling me he was going jogging alone while he was doing all those things with her. I cannot accept he even invited her into our home for a party in which I was there too and she looked so miserable. Why was she there? What did she think to achieve? In fact they did not speak to each other and she was there to witness a good relationship between me and my husband so why was she there? Why did she us our daughter’s nickname?? 😡
Also we had many romantic retreats in those years and I cannot accept he was faking it so badly. Why was he such a liar and able to deceive me for so long? He said he lived in two separate world and when he was with her he was thinking of her and when he was with me he was thinking of me.
It all began at a time when we were both in depression for different reasons but whilst I tried to cure myself through therapy he found his “cure” in the arms and legs of this colleague.
I understand he may have not felt he could deal with my depression and his own but saying I was literally abandoned to myself is an understatement.
He has been selfish and dishonest. I found out about his affair and he has genuinely apologised for all the pain he has caused me to go through and has stopped his extramarital relationship.
So far I have decided to stay because I know he is more and other than a betrayer.
We are going through therapy and we are changing the way we are as a couple.
He has answered many questions but does not like to talk about it over and over again.
He has taken full responsibility for his actions and wants to shape a new future.
All good in theory. He is very kind and doing his “homework “. I still find it hard to trust him fully as he has been an incredible actor for many years and cannot figure out when he is lying and when he is telling the truth.
Unfortunately they work for the same company so it is very easy fir them to see each other even if they don’t want to meet.
I hope I will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

My case

I see most cases like that when someone finds out and the spouse gets ashamed and stays and wants to reconcile. I saw all the videos and learned about limerance, affair fog, etc. But in my case, we had a wonderful (or so I thought) marriage, he is less than 6 months changed into cold and distant (he travels a lot for work, or so I thought) and left me. I only found out about the affair two years later but he then was already in a relationship with her (she lives in another country where he travels for work. He never even acknowledge the affair, never said he was sorry, never talked about it, simply forgot I existed and plus since he left his anger towards me is devastating. He does everything possible to hurt me. But still does everything to sabotage signing the divorce papers. I've tried talking to him many many times but he always says there is no chance. I feel so hopeless.

So good!

We are approaching our two year anniversary since his confession of multiple affairs in our marriage. This is SO spot on. After many counseling sessions, and much time, I finally realize how much it was not about me. AND, how he was able to not think about me but still be in love with me. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your resources. They helped me tremendously through this process and many other people I know that are in recovery from this mess. You are doing Kingdom work!

We’re they thinking of me?

No. Nor did he want to think of me. This emotional affair went on for over 5 years. He keeps saying that she was just a friend. A unique friend. I asked him, if she was a friend, why did he NOT tell me about this so called friend. He says because she was emotionally distraught over the death of her father and he was comforting her. That there was no reason to tell me because she was a co worker. Yeah, right.
I told him it didn’t make sense because I know all his other friends and coworkers that were female. I knew them and I had even met some. But not this girl who was 30 years younger than him.
Why didn’t he tell me that he was helping a co worker go through a bad time then? He tells me, because he internalizes things, and that this was something I didn’t needed to know.
Yet, when one is helping a friend, why are there texts saying how much he missed her, and in every other text things like, “I love you so much” or “ I think about you all the time” or about how he would love to get together because she lived in another state? Can someone answer me this?
How can he justify this as a friend when he is telling her how beautiful or gorgeous she is? Even on Valentine es Day he told her Happy Valentines Day, and how much he loves her?
I still don’t know of there was any physical contact when they worked together.
He ripped my heart out and now he thinks I should be over it because he says it was just a friendship with a special friend. So hurt and angry and I can’t get those texts out of my mind. Can someone help me to understand this? Was he in love or what the heck was this?


I just found out last December. It has been going in for years, I had my suspicions, felt it in my gut, women’s instinct but i was in denial, i asked him and said maybe i am the one doing it, i never looked through his stuff because i am afraid to find out something. But I could take it anywhere. Prayed and asked for a sign, there it was all on his cellphone. I was devastated. I couldn’t unsee it. I asked him and he blamed me. I see no remorse. He said he does feel bad at all. He said he did it out of resentment, anger. Here we are doing counseling. Where he said he wants to be by himself. When hes drunk he says its cheaper to keep her (me). Is the counseling one his ACT?

Hit the nail on the head....

I am the WS and my husband keeps asking me why. I told him it was an escape, I liked the attention that I was getting from my affair partner who was younger than me. He still doesn't believe me, and it comes to a point where I start to question if that was really what it was. My therapist seems to agree, it is a combination of being in a rough patch in our relationship as well as issues that I have from my childhood and young adulthood that I haven't worked through.

Still thinks what he did was ok

My partner has cheated on me online a number of times. Every time he is caught he says he didn't understand that he was breaking our agreed boundaries. I accepted this excuse the first few times and then we had a very in-depth conversation about what constitutes cheating. He told me he would never do it again, that he understood, and that he "knew what we had and would never put it at risk." He promised me he was done with cyber infidelity and I believed him... Unfortunately, that was a lie. For a year he assured me that he had no urge to cheat, that I was his only desire. I found out 9 months ago that he never stopped. In fact, it was worse than I had even imagined. I am devasted. He claims he has a compulsion and has started therapy. I want to believe him but I am having such a hard time as he has lied to me and deceived me so many times. I have asked for a couples therapist for months and he says he will arrange it but never does. He has no patience for me when i am triggered or if I show any signs of not trusting him. He claims that he is a changed man and seems to think that that should be enough for me to forget the past.
He also keeps making statements that indicate he doesn't think that what he did was wrong. He thinks I am going to wake up one day and "realize it's not a big deal." He doesn't apologize for cheating. He says "I'm sorry you were hurt" or " I'm sorry my actions led you to believe I am someone I am not." He actually said to me just yesterday, "I've never cheated on anyone." What about me? You cheated on me. I also happen to know that he cheated in a number of his other relationships but if I point that out to him he gets upset and thinks I am just nitpicking or looking for things to be upset about.

It still hurts every day. I still cry every day. I still have nightmares.
I am exhausted.

What About When They Did?

I asked him (being that oral is a case by case basis, no two people like the same thing)....well, as he was down there, he tried everything I had taught him worked for me. So yeah, he thought of me the whole time. He thought of me (and her husband) before, as they went upstairs. He thought of me as she made her move. He thought of me, during the act. He thought of me afterwards when he called his Dad, as he sat out in the driveway and his Dad told him to get rid of any evidence and lie to me the rest of our marriage. Soooo, not sure there's any real remorse there...other than the fact that he got caught....and yeah....that hurts immensely. I'm trying to recover, but that fact makes this excruciatingly painful and hard to get over.

Were they thinking of me

Since discovery, 7 months ago, I have been scouring every source, reading books and online recovery guidance from therapists, watching videos and asking my spouse- but this article/video is the closest to understanding “why” that I’ve ever found. This is the insight I was needing to help explain why someone I love and regard as a decent person could have done something so hurtful to me. I can’t thank you enough for the explanation my spouse couldn’t provide and for the relief this brings. Lots of work ahead yet but this gives me some substance for us to start with. We have been respectful and communicating with one another but felt like we’d been going in circles.

My experience

Affair recovery has been very useful. Because itś impossible to be in someone elseś shoes, I took it for granted that my ex-husband would be sorry, compassionate etc. and would take the advice of affair recovery and "do the work". It took me a little over three years after discovery to give up. I found myself trying hard to save our marriage, in denial of what was really the case: no empathy on his part, no compassion, avoidance, not even 2 minutes straight of expressing remorse at any time during the 3 years. At times I felt compassion because I thought that he was at a loss of how to deal with our problem. There were other moments when I felt totally devastated. I have never felt so alone having him right beside me in
the same room.Only a couple of months ago have I LET GO. Which is what I should have done so much before. I never thought that a person

could be so cruel and itś frightening to look back at tough moments when I thought I had someone who was backing me.... and in reality I was
"standing alone". The infidelities had started right at the beginning of our relationship. "Sex is not really a big thing for me", he told me quite at the beginning. And I believed him.... He was to me a philosopher, a great reader, someone who had a superior mind, so knowledgeable, the best student of his school, the flagbearer, poliglot......of course he was into much more meaningful and deeper things than sex!!!

Could such a lack of compassion have to do with his genes? His father and uncle belonged to the Nazi SS. I learned about that after a few years of marriage. My father-in-law seemed a good man and the war was never talked about. I imagined that perhaps in those days, living in a country where so many people fanatically and blindly adhered to Hitlerś regime, not knowing what it was all about.....

The end of the story is that I have let go of this person who has hurt me so much. I am grateful to Hope Now because if I hadn't insisted on us taking part, today I might still feel uncertain about what to do. Facing the facts has been really devastating but living in denial would have been so much worse and would have robbed me of the relief I feel now.

Long term affair!

I agree with the article, but what about 5 years involved with an emotional affair. He stopped for a couple weeks but would go back to her. She was telling him she loved him. He must of liked it. I’m struggling with how long it lasted and him going back and never stopping. We had been married for 43 years. We are now going on 15 months when I discovered her text. No closer to closer.

Rick (and Samuel) have both

Rick (and Samuel) have both made comments that hurt... like really hurt. They have both, when making videos speaking to the betrayed, said "the affair partner is not as good as you, you dont need to compare" "they always affair down."

That is actually really unhelpful for me as an unfaithful as I try to reconcile with my spouse. It makes me feel undeserving of my husbands love (maybe I am?), it makes me feel hopeless (is my betrayed spouse settling for me since I am such a not good person?), and on and on.

It also creates this feeling of competition with my affair partners spouse. I want to love her in my spirit but for someone to say she is "better" than me makes me want to ruminate ... arent I more kind and beautiful (as my AP told me)

I know I'm sensitive here, but I want to state it, we are all sinners and none is "better" or worse. My struggle with temptations doesn't make me worse than my APs wife. It *is possible that my AP and I would have been a better match than him and his wife. But we each chose our current spouses because we chose to do the right thing (not because our AP wasnt "as good" as our spouse.)

Its About Them Escaping

A most revealing point of view in this article, with which I agree. However consider my experience she had for sometime been wholly about herself as a priority and not the children nor me. Her 14 year old son detected the change and expressed Mummy doesn't care about me Mummy doesn't love me. This was in fact the case as she was totally absorbed with the AP at work where they indulged in sex. She was aware that the AP was married and had a sexual relationship with a previous co-worker but thought only of herself and believed he loved her. She was friends with his wife and had them both to our house as friends. Along with him solely on some excuse he was nearby. Their phone conversations were in excess of 8 a day some being forty minutes long. These were in front of the children which were passed off as " work " our 9 year old son queried them as mummy was laughing. Phone calls took place in front of me with the excuse calling family etc. When at a restaurant she would disappear to the restroom for 15 - 20 mins phone in hand, returning complaining of an upset tummy. The first sex that took place in a motel rather than at work she sent me from there a text saying " I love you " Can this woman be serious ? It is all over with the AP my revealing her infidelity and with him making a complaint getting her fired from work. The final is she attempted self-harm then claimed to police.I attacked her resulting in my being charged the " Me Too " movement has given women enormous scope for manipulating facts. Had it not been for the children I would have easily moved on, However again women have the upper hand when it comes to custody of children. We are still together her not prepared to have counselling but claiming love for me.! Where does one draw the line of crediblity in such circumstances? .


My wife and I have been together since we were 16 years old. 19 years together. Married with two children. My DD was December 19th 2022. But actually I believe I have two DD’s because on that day I found out she cheated on me on thanksgiving day. Needless to say that holiday is ruined forever for me. She came clean, at first she said she just doesn’t love me the way I love her. Past traumas mad her cold. Then a few days later she backtracked on those statements and said they were just excuses so she wouldn’t look bad. She asked if I would consider giving her another chance if she goes to therapy and gets help. I said just try and let’s see what happens during the time we’re forced to share a space at the very least. Right now I’m just confused and scared. I want to leave, but our financial situation makes it impossible. So instead of getting separation where I can be free to heal and potentially move on or realize it’s her I want to be with. I’m stuck here sharing a space with her. Resuming all the normal daily activities we had. It’s weird because it makes me feel like I want to be close with her again. But on the other hand I don’t trust her anymore and her word means nothing to me. I hate that I’m in this situation and I wish I just had clarity. But I know that’s impossible and this is going to be a long arduous process.


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