slm, thanks for your comment and for reaching out. i think i realized I needed to grieve about two or three months in, but then took probably about a year to what i would call 'grieve through it all.' i just was so out of touch with what I had done and what my choices had done to samantha and so many others, that it took a while. the healthier i got and the more sober i became the more i grieved. that's usually the case for the unfaithful as the healthier they become the more they will grieve and feel remorse for what they have done to you. for samantha, it was at least a two year process, but the first 6 months were the worst for her grieving. she had to grieve through the loss of the relationship we had, she had to grieve the loss of all of our friendships minus two, she had to grieve the loss of what she thought our marriage was, she had to grieve for the loss of the life she had always wanted and would never have in terms of a marriage that was never marred by infidelity. etc etc. she was grieving for a while but had good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks ya know? at one year we were doing great for a couple trying to heal, but it was still tough here and there for sure. by two years we had gained a ton of momentum, yet for ME, as i saw things differently, i was then able to grieve internally for what i had done to so many. i hope this makes sense. as you push forward and get healthy and continue to do your own recovery work, you'll be amazed at how much your story will help others and how often you'll be able to share what's gone on in your life. keep going. push forward through the pain and grief my friend. reach out any time.