My husband found AR in 2018 after confessing to our doctor he’d had an affair. He joined Hope for Healing and at his request, I joined a Harboring Hope group in 2019. Near the end of the year my husband and I attended an EMS weekend. We did the 6 week couples follow up. We flew back to Texas on two occasions following to meet with Leigh, while we continued to see separate counselors in our home state.

I believe AR helped us in many ways and gave information that we each could apply to areas of our situation.

The unfortunate reality of many intensives like EMS is they are attended prior to a full therapeutic disclosure. At the beginning of the weekend, Rick asks the betraying spouse to look at their betrayed spouse and confess if there is more that your spouse doesn’t know about or if whole story is out. My husband looked me in the eyes and promised I knew everything.

Much to my surprise, my D day, three plus years ago was the only infidelity my husband claimed until we found our, CSAT counselor in 2020 who prepared me to brace myself for more.

A full therapeutic disclosure in July of 2020 revealed that I’d been betrayed our entire relationship and that the one night stand I believed we needed to heal from was actually just his last one.

Addiction is not a marriage issue. Marriage counseling and intensives should be shelved until the betrayed spouse has the entire story and that needs done with the help of a specialist. Read Milton Magness’ Stop Sex Addiction. EMS can then be attended by a spouse who is no longer in shock, denial, bargaining or the dark.

So much more damage was done in our case because my husband’s focus was winning me back and not on his own genuine healing process. He had determined he could betray me for the rest of our lives by withholding the truth because that was less damaging to him than losing me. In essence, his happiness was paramount to my safety and freedom.

This story doesn’t apply in many ways. Betrayal is the purposeful continual destruction of a faithful partner’s spiritual, sexual, mental, emotional, physical, financial, familial, existence and future safety. As adults, we can not feign surprise that casual or long term sex with anyone other than our spouse spreads debilitating and potentially deadly diseases. It destroys trust not only in our partners but in ourselves and others around us. It’s humiliating, expensive and changes us in ways we don’t want changed.

As betrayed spouses, our goal is never to become a better victim so our partners become more adept abusers. Often, love is restrictive not permissive and for the sake of our safety, we must create boundaries to protect ourselves from further attacks.

I believe we can all relate to the losses the husband in the story has experienced but his wife didn’t act in malice or in deceit. She made a tragic error in judgment.

Forgiveness is about my freedom. My husband is not and will never be deserving of it. He can’t fix what he’s purposefully destroyed. There is no salve to cure what he callously annihilated. I have no empathy for an entitled child who throws a toy to the ground and then is angry at it when tape can’t seem to hold it back together. When I have calculated my losses and processed enough of the grief I cycle and recycle through, I will forgive him for my sake.

Empathy however is completely different. This I don’t have and honestly don’t know that I ever will. We can all empathize with the wife and husband in this story. Lord have mercy on them both.

I can’t agree with the earlier chastising statement that betrayed spouses need to get a grip. That’s pretty much all we’re trying to do. No one can tell another that the death of a child is more tragic than betrayal trauma. Each are equally devastating to the person who holds relationships and loved ones equally sacred. Don’t let someone else tell you that the pain they or someone else caused you is unfair or unreasonable. I know it’s taking everything in you to navigate the cruelty of the unwelcome place you’ve found yourself in.

Here’s what I believe happens. In time, the power of the emotion of betrayal wanes. Rick is in a different place than newly betrayed spouses because he has experienced years of forgiveness. I met Stephanie. She’s amazing.

I think only betrayal stories should be used as examples when talking about forgiveness because we are all desperately looking for hope to attach to. Stories like this draw instant comparisons and leave us feeling unseen.

I hear the pain in the above comments. Intimate betrayal trauma is a real thing. We are still living in it every day. We have set aside the marriage for now. We are in our home, raising our daughter and doing our best to heal ourselves while honoring one another in the growth process.

Addicts will and do continue to lie, gaslight, control and malign faithful partners until the root of their trauma and addiction is exposed.

For those who have been continuously betrayed for being betrayed, I’m so sorry. You alone will have to put safety measures into play for yourselves and it’s so hard to do when weakness and strength no longer even make sense to you.

Offending partners, please seek out a trauma therapist or CSAT therapist to determine what you actually need to see about yourself so you have the potential to live authentically and actually be loved and known.

Healing is a journey and each day is riddled with challenges, set backs, revelations and steps forward. I believe this platform is one where others are seen and healing is encouraged. Keep sharing your truth, insights and wisdom here. To healing.