Affair Partners: Eight Reasons Not to Confront Them
Last week, while I was running an errand, I happened to run into one of our online course group leaders. We began to discuss one of my recent articles. I'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and different ways to respond to it!
It was a fascinating conversation and one that included, "What do you say to someone who wants to confront the affair partner?"
Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner, I tell them, "Don't!" Rarely have I seen any benefit to it. In fact, I've witnessed a great deal of harm coming out of such conversations.
What is the driving force behind the compulsion to speak to or confront the affair partner? Typically, it's to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain, or to find answers we can't seem to get out of our spouse/partner.
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Learn More | Hope For Healing!Here are 8 reasons to NOT confront the affair partner:
- Affair partners can lie. It is interesting how often a hurting mate believes the affair partner will tell them the truth and sorrowfully see the error of their ways once they realize the pain they have caused. It is far more common for the affair partner to lie and manipulate the situation.
- How much information do you really want? If you think you might be able to get more information from the affair partner, you're probably right; but it might not be the information you want to hear. If you're married, then you've probably already experienced that you and your mate have different subjective realities. You might have vastly different recollections of certain events. For that reason alone, you could gain a different perspective by talking to the affair partner. At the same time, if all you are gaining is details about a specific event, you're not gaining anything substantial. It's already difficult to process the information from the perspective of your mate, much less adding to that the perspective of the affair partner.
- Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. One of the most difficult pieces of an affair is to discern motive. Frequently, there is a compulsion to discover why this has happened. One thing I can tell you for certain: the answer does not lie with the affair partner. All too often, I've worked with people who have talked with the affair partner and made the mistake of assuming their motives must have been the same as the motives of their mate, or they assume the affair partner can tell them their mate's motive for the affair. In reality, the affair partner has created an illusion of what your mate's motives are, so please, don't think the causes and motives of the affair partner match those of your mate.
- Vengeance doesn't work. When you're really hurting, it's tempting to think about making the other party experience the same pain that you're experiencing. The only problem is that this course of action lowers you to their level and results in self-inflicted injuries. Don't compromise your personal integrity by acting in ways you normally would find inappropriate. Injuring another will never bring the peace you seek, and it will only lengthen the amount of time it's going to take to heal.
- Don't gratify their hostility. You don't want to act in ways that allow the other person to believe your mate was justified in coming to them.
- Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. One of the most common motivations for confronting the other person is to try to get them to see that you're a real person and that their actions are destroying real lives. Personally, I don't think you're going to have any more luck getting them to understand that than you've had at getting your mate to realize it. The defense mechanisms put into place to justify the affair in the first place are most likely still in place after discovery. You alone are not going to be the person capable of breaking through their denial.
- It tends to perpetuate the problem. If your mate is trying to break off the relationship with their affair partner, then talking with them doesn't help the process. In fact, it is almost guaranteed to create more contact. They'll either contact your mate telling them to have you back off, or they'll use your contact as a way to try and guilt your mate into staying with them. The goal is to break off the relationship, not to perpetuate the fight.
- You are not lacking anything. At times, curiosity drives the desire for contact. You may be asking, "What does the other person have that I don't?" or "Why would my mate choose them over me?" I seriously doubt you'll ever find the answer to those questions by contacting the other person. Motivations for affairs are complex; meeting the "other person" will normally not answer your question(s). In reality, talking to them is far more likely to confuse the issues. In my work, I've found that people always "affair down;" they never have an affair with someone better than the person with whom they're married. I'd suggest not lowering yourself to their level by interacting with them. Have respect for yourself.
After all is said and done, some of you will still feel an overwhelming need to confront the affair partner. For some, it will be driven by a need to get the compulsion out of their head. For others, it may be a need to face their fears. There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery – that is much more productive. The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind.
If you have been unfaithful and are trying to unravel all of the details, I hope you'll consider our Hope for Healing course for those who have been wayward. It'll help you identify the patterns that got you here so you can be safer for those you love in the future.
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Comments
I think this never contact…
I think this never contact the other person thing is so so wrong. Honesty and openness should prevale. Otherwise you are holding the lies. Why doesn't the other person deserve the truth? Why should someone help their partner cheat on them by protecting the lies? I think that the entire theory of never confronting the other person is meant to protect and assist the cheating spouse. Of course it should be done tactfully and with low expectations. But it should be understood that you will not protect the lies.
It's natural to want to…
In reply to I think this never contact… by Portia
It's natural to want to contact the affair partner, but in reality, we've rarely seen that go well. It almost always creates more pain and more difficulty - primarily for the betrayed partner. While there are always exceptions to the rule, they're just that, exceptions. It's possible to live in authenticity as you navigate infidelity without contacting the affair partner. You can (with discretion and wisdom) be open with close friends and family, or join a support group of some kind where you can share freely.
The sad dilemma is that betrayed spouses often want to contact the affair partner thinking they'll get answers. But if the affair partner knew your spouse was married, seeking answers and expecting honesty from someone who has already displayed a disregard for you and your feelings only ends in heartache. The affair partner will more likely than not, tell you a version of events that doesn't make them look as bad.
Or on the flip side, some affair partners have no idea the person they're in a relationship with is even married. That was the case with one of my husband's affair partners. He never told her he was married, he didn't wear his wedding ring, etc. Should I have tracked her down and laid into her for something she wasn't complicit in? After all, she was deceived as well because she thought he was single. What gives me the right to cause pain in her life just to make myself feel better? Would it have helped her to know that she was a homewrecker? Of course not. In that scenario, we were both victims.
After my spouse's last affair, I very distinctly told him that I needed to live authentically and that keeping secrets to protect his reputation was not something I was willing to do. But that didn't mean I needed to contact his affair partner. She knew he was married and chose to engage with him anyway. She wasn't a part of my life and nothing she could say would change the amount of pain I was in or the aftermath of the grenade that had rocked my world. Instead, I confided in trusted individuals, I registered for Harboring Hope, I went to therapy - all of which helped me to process and heal. She played no part in that and I didn't owe her anything.
My boyfriend is still trying…
My boyfriend is still trying to be with his wife even after she kicked him out. She told me to leave him alone. She said I am young and he manipulated me. I am 28 and he is 45. Why do I have to leave him alone if she kicked him out? She also said he has a vasectomy, which made me mad cause he did not tell me that. I dont have kids yet. I feel like he didnt tell me on purpose.
Not every situation and
Not every situation and scenario is going to be the same. I find it funny how advice giving in therapy from somone who has never lived the problems people face can tell you the right way to go about issues.. because they read it in a book!
Going Back & Forth
My husband passed not long ago. He kept his illness a secret along with many women having emotional and maybe physical affairs. He worked out of town and out of state for the last few years. We was a mess physically, mentally, and alcoholic drug addict. I have his phone that he never let out of his sight and even slept on top of it silent. I got access to his phone sometimes and saw him on myriads of dirty and dating sites, local singles, extra FB which he texted on. He regularly cleaned and deleted things. He severely abused and ignored me when he was home.I wanted a divorce for 2 years but he threatened and scared me. There is constant evidence through Google and messenger of him contacting ex's, friends younger sisters and the worst a family friend who I kid you not looks like Miss Piggy. They were having some kind of relationship behind my back for years! All of these people I saw him talking to were not as pretty or thin with a model figure like me! Things between us took a turn when mommy dearest died. He pretty much stop caring about me for the most part. I was always there for him, still initiating sex and attention to no avail. He is a Narc BPD ADHD liar, extortionist, cheater. I am guessing our marriage was a lie and he has been unfaithful the whole time. I keep going back and forth on this subject of paying a forensic person to extract info from his phone of his activities which I am guessing is extensive. So I can see who he was cheating with. I have spoken to a few women who were married and not attractive and it didn't go well. They were catty, brazen and jealous and wanted to hurt me. And he acted ladedah! He said what is wrong with having girlfriends? And how nice they were. This killed me because I am a kind Christian wife who was better to him than he deserved. I stayed because he had a stroke. He got a doctor's note and continued to run around up until he died of cancer and a bad heart. I found he was talking to someone up until I took him to the ER. I am so emotionally battered and heartbroken. But I am curious to know who he was with. I always think he had a kid some place because he was always stealing money from companies he worked for. One of his coworkers mentioned if I got a hold of his daughter? We only have one together and a step son. My friends and family and therapist think I wouldn't benefit from finding out everything.
Hubby’s girlfriend
She is laughing at me. She knows I’m dumb. I believe him when he says she’s a friend.
What does she look like
I just want to see what she looks like. I don't want to say anything to her or ask her anything.
The eleventh Comanment
True you do not want to put yourself into a bad situation but as I call it the eleventh comanment tho shall not get away with it . So I contacted his wife and told her.this was such a surprise to her that she thought I was a scam caller but she did listen after I showed her all the emails
Don't do it full of emotion
I texted my husband's AP after careful deliberation. I crafted a polite message to her as I didn't want to look back at this and feel ashamed of my behaviour for anything I had written. I didn't want to look like a victim anymore. I wanted to be able to hold my head high and not sink to her level. I told her I knew about the affair, that I thought what they did was horrible and not to call or message ever again.
I fought the urge to call her names and swear at her because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she had hurt me. I needed her to know that I am aware of her and I am not afraid to speak up or confront her. I will defend myself and my marriage with courage.
I still read that text from time to time and I feel good about it. She never responded, but I believe from her response to my husband's 'break up' text afterward, that she was rattled by my text. I have to admit that felt good.
Confronting the AP
Oh you bet I contacted and confronted my husband's affair partners. Several of them. Couldn't do it face to face except one, and I'll never forget the look of astonishment on her face when she opened the front door and realized it was me as I handed her a letter. I had the drip drip drip truth and or lies for months after discovery. It was my choice how much and what I wanted to know, and I wanted it all. And then I wanted accountability. It was hard to do, but I did come to the place of forgiveness for all involved, and I tried to use what happened to convey that they all could find forgiveness in Jesus Christ alone. Best of all, after being physically caught with the last AP my husband had a truly face to face moment with the Lord Almighty on the floor of the counselors office. That night he gave up, and confessed his sin and received glorious forgiveness. And he's a changed man. This has been 12 plus years ago. We have been married 48 years and counting. I will say though that some things in our marriage were irrevocably broken. Intimacy. There is none. But we worked hard to keep our family together instead of torn apart. A bigger win than a loss. Would I confront again? Yes. I sure would.
Two Sides to That!
Rick, I can't disagree with any of your points, but I'd argue that there may be compelling reasons in favor of contacting the other person as well. In fact, it seems uncharacteristic for one of your essays to be so one-sided. You mention a need to "face fears", and that is a part of it. I agree that you can't expect honesty from the affair partner, but it's equally very hard to accept honesty from your own spouse. As a betrayed person, you really have no idea whether anything you are being told is the truth, and so taking things into your own hands and facing those fears helps.
I waited 2-3 months before contacting the guy, leaving a message that "It was about time we talked." He called me back and had the tone of a freshman being called to the principal's office for the first time. It was a pretty one-sided conversation, but I was able to be clear that I was aware of him and of the affair, that there were no more secrets, and that I was playing by my rules - not theirs. If I decided, I would contact anyone I wanted to, and speak with anyone I chose (and that included his spouse, and/or the company that they both worked for).
In situations where a betrayed spouse can feel like they've lost all control and have no leverage, contacting the other person allowed me to reestablish that for myself. From that day on, my choices about how to address the affair have been solely on my own terms, and that's an amazing position to be in when so much has been taken from you. Maybe you could do a follow-up of "Reasons To Confront the Other Person".
I confronted the AP
I agree with the article, however, the only way I got my husband to admit to facts, was after she told me what happened. With that being said, I still believe there’s a chance she held back some information.
Trickle truth is the worse thing that can happen when you find out about the affair, and this is what happened in my case. I will only believe there is nothing else to know after my husband takes a polygraph test.
I too confronted the AP
In reply to I confronted the AP by Danice
I am going through this too. I felt like something was off. I started looking at our phone records and kept seeing the same number. I researched it and found out who it was. I asked him about her and he denied, denied, denied. I waited for 3 days then I called her and she hung up on me when I told her who I was. She did text with me and told me some things so he finally admitted to a few things. He keeps changing his story and I have not spoken to her anymore. The both have very different stories. I don't know what real and what's not. I just don't know how I'll survive this. I hope you are ok.
Contact AP
My husband had 2 AP’s that were both my best friends. The affairs were 20 years apart, 2 different best friends. Both were long term affairs, the first one was 3 years (emotional and physical) and probably would have been longer had they not been caught. The second one was 12 years (I’ve been told physical only, which I still find hard to believe). I only learned about the second one that ended in 2011 in October, 2023. Husband stopped affair and kept the lies going for 12 years until the AP started texting and that’s when everything blew up.
I never contacted the first AP. Therapy, prayer and faith in Jesus carried me through to total healing.
I have written letters to the second one with no response.
Double betrayal both times.
We’ve been married 52 years, a time in our lives we should be enjoying each other and happy. This last revelation has destroyed me. 9 months after D-day and I’m still crying every day. Husband is doing all he can to help me heal. I love him, but have lost respect, my dignity and self esteem.
I pray every day that we’ll get through this together.
betrayed kparnter
Hi Rick,
I know your heart is in the right place but I believe youre wrong here. One of the last lines of your article says this: The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind. Wouldn't this article be you doing just that? When I confronted all three affair partner, after consulting my lawyer, after calming down, after careful considering and working, sending each of them a text explaining to them that I knew and that I was divorcing my spouse, brought me such a sense if restored dignity. I no longer felt like the "only idiot who didn't know" while all three affair partners (two of whom were best friends) knew all about me. It was such by my ex spouse and thse women who care nothing about marriage. Letting them know that I nkew, that they needed to be tested for the folloiwng STD'S as my ex did not report to them that he had these and had passed them to me, and that now if they wanted tyo be safe they should do the same, it wsa gratifying to me. It was a reclaiming of a modicum of respect that they all colluded in taking from me. Whether you agree with me or not, and aren't you the one who betrayed your wife? Or was it the other way around, I do not think we give the betrayed partner enough credit to determine for herself what she needs and does not need in terms of restoring some of her own power and in her journey to trust her own gut, which by the way, mine happened to be right, right from the start. But lies, manipulation, bullying and verbal abuse, him accusing me of losing my mind kept me in psychological hell.... while he and his groupies were bar crawling and sleeping with one another. I'm a professional. I'm a therapist myself. I KNOW what I needed and confroting each one in a dignified way, while also exposing the recklessness of their actions in the passing of dangerous diseases felt wonderful. I was controlled and calm and restored. Then I carried on with my divorce knowing that as a daughter of God, I deserve so much better than what this man had done to me.
Approaching AP's spouse
My husband would like to approach his AP's spouse to supply some kind of apology for my husband's part in the affair. I don't think it's a good idea at all. The AP's husband is a jerk, and has already made very inappropriate gestures towards me, and very outspoken, public comments to my husband. I think approaching this guy will only fuel the AP's husband's anger, and possibly even spark physical contact by this guy. What's been your experience with a wayward spouse approaching the AP's spouse to offer some kind of apology?
AFFAIR PARTNER
Hi i am glad I rang her as it confirmed what I thought was true - she lied and I knew she did, which also confirmed what I knew. Also the way my H acted when I called her told me a lot and the pedestal he had her on. I am glad I called her, even though she called me "disgusting", she is the one with the guilty conscience, mine is clear. They are both forgiven now, which is important.
Glad I communicated with them
In reply to AFFAIR PARTNER by MARY U
I didn't confront any of the women he cheated with; there was no name-calling, screaming or yelling. But I did communicate with some of them.All of them were under the illusion they were the first only and person he had cheated with; by connecting a half dozen or so of them with each other, that myth was dispelled. I was also able to learn a great deal of info that had been omitted/minimized/lied about while we were in EMSO from photos, social media posts of that time, receipts, etc. He was unhappy that they learned none of them were "special," though each one of them were glad to learn the truth and actually thanked me. I learned a lot, and so did they. I know there were others that I will never know about and never communicate with. It was very important to be calm, adult, and matter-of-fact in this process. Not to be done while in a rage state. I talked it over with a number of friends first. I absolutely do not regret communicating with any of them, quietly and calmly. I cannot emphasize strongly enough the importance of preparing to do this, in whatever way is best for the situation, and not to do this impulsively or when very angry.
Confronting The Other Woman
I did this and it did not end well. She took me to court for “harassment “ which was not true at all. her official statement to the court was full of lies — many of which my husband had told her. My lawyer insisted that I plead guilty, or else I could possibly get a jail term for telling her I would kill her if she contacted my husband again. I was heartbroken and angry, as any victim would be. Of course, I did not actually mean to kill her. I said what any abused spouse would probably say. She called this “a threat on her life.” I felt that saying I was guilty was not as she made it seem and I had every right to say, in my anger, what I sai, and I wanted to defend myself and let the judge decide. My husband (we are still married) wanted me to take the easy way out and declare, against my better judgment, GUILT.
I mistakenly did this and the judge declared the BOTH of us stay away and have no contact with each other. In November the judgement will be over. My advice is NOT to confront The Other Woman or get a better lawyer. BTW,he charged us $1500 payable in advance.
Andrea,
In reply to Confronting The Other Woman by andrea
Andrea,
Similar thing happened to me. Cost me a lot more since the accusation originally had a no contact order and the vile POS came up with fake social media friend requests to have me arrested a second time! She tried again a third time with a spoofed phone call! One police officer was finally smart enough to understand technology and straightened it out but the first 2 I dealt with are morons and I guess she batted her eyelashes at them too, so they’d believe her. It was 2 years of hell in a kangaroo court. My lawyer was also a Morin when it comes to technology and also had me claim guilt to the original charge to “get rid of this and move on”. It’s been 4.5 years since the original arrest and 1.5 since I was exonerated and it still makes me sick.
Of course, the vile piece of trash is still cheating on her H, getting caught literally, with her pants down by her whole family, yet they are still married.
Confronting
Not sure I agree with this. My ex suddenly wanted a divorce and it turned out it was so she could run off with a married mutual friend that I actually was asking for advice on what was wrong with her. I’ve had to live with that dude in my life for over a decade told not to confront because of the kids. They now live the life I was supposed to have. Built their house on land we were supposed to and made sure to get married in the city we loved as a couple so that’s wrecked for me. Meanwhile I’m constantly told not to confront and just deal with it. Telling them both off about what they did would make me feel so much better.
I had no choice in the matter
I had no choice in the matter, the AP is the one who contacted me, after her daughter revealed the affair to me. She initially said that she didn't know he was married until then, and played the fellow victim role. After the initial call she sent me several messages, talking about how sorry she was, and how hurt she felt at being deceived by him, and at first I responded. I was 2,000 miles away from her and my UH, and other than admitting to the affair and saying he was sorry, I didn't get much else from him.
When I was on my way to rejoin my husband, she sent me several crazy sounding messages, which I read between flights, telling me that he needed to get out of Tennessee, and that she was "calling the law" on both of us. As she escalated, I blocked her. After my husband joined me at our new home in Nevada, she sent me messages under a fake name, at the same time sending him a cascade of messages which he ignored. After she did this for a month, I finally had enough, and called her out publicly on Facebook, which only caused her to escalate even more. THAT was my mistake.
She went bonkers, completely Fatal Attraction, and I was so glad that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile away. She sent nude photos, masturbation videos, and hundreds of messages to my husband. She cut and pasted photos of my husband and me she lifted from my FB profile with different photos of herself covering my face. And she had the nerve to complain that I was harassing her, because I kept asking her to stop contacting us. My mistake was I kept responding, and begging my husband to make her stop. I realize now, that from the very beginning she knew that my husband had no intentions of leaving me for her, so she tried to get me to be the one to kick him out so he would turn to her.
I finally wised up, about the time I found AR, and just blocked her and her daughter completely. Every once in a while she makes a new fake profile, and tries again. When she does, I just make myself a fake profile using the name of fictional characters, and post all the details of her affair, including photos and videos she sent on her FB page, buried in comments on old posts. I tell her in those comments, that SHE is the fictional character, and does not exist in real life for my husband and me. Almost a year later, I believe she is giving up.
So, lesson learned, do not contact the AP. And if they initiate contact, block and do not engage.
Pretended to be my friend.
Pretended to be my friend.
Lives two doors down.
Minor public figure in the area.
Hard to not want to confront him. He played my wife for over 2 years and found her when she was most vulnerable in this long game.
Contacting affair partner
How I found about the affair was her calling constantly when he was home. So i answered the phone. How i regret this contact…several times. It made me feel like a worthless unloveable person . My H and her had very similar personality. She was married but could care less but was determined to have my husband
H was a truck driver and she his dispatcher.
Don’t ever contact the ow . It only causes heartbreak for you. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. Trust destroyed and don’t think i would ever trust again.
Contacting the AP
I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a work colleague. I know I don’t have to explain the devastation here. As a person of faith I dug deep and clung tightly to my identity in Christ. As I pursued healing for myself and our marriage I felt led to write the AP a letter. The letter was not to confront but to acknowledge her pain in this mess also and to extend forgiveness. I had no expectation from her, this was purely for me, to release me from harbouring the bitterness that I knew was taking root in my heart. A few days later she came to my doorstep and broke down in tears and apologized to me, I welcomed her in, we spoke for 2 hours (nothing explicit, no blame or excusing and non emotive) I had peace with my decision, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. That was in 1993, then, in 2019 I discovered that my H didn’t stop at this 1 affair, he continued trying to fill his personal void throughout our entire marriage and this included reigniting his affair with this first woman years after I extended the olive branch… Does this make me a chump? I don’t feel like a chump (well maybe I did momentarily) No, I am someone who acted on the prompting of the Holy Spirit, I can hold my head high and know that I acted with strength and dignity, keeping my burden light. They’re the chumps, they made their choices and have to live with them. My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives. Every situation is unique, would I recommend it? Probably not. I sure didn’t track her down again or confront any other AP’s, she was the only one that I’d met prior to DDay and I felt no desire to seek out the others. Would I do it again? I’m not sure, I hope I’m never in a position again where I might have to.
Contacted by AP
Hi after almost 3 years the AP contacted me. She wanted to share everything. My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. He would lie about the weather if I couldn’t see outside the window for myself. She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. She has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head. It was a very positive experience because I did get the truth about key lies I was being told - with the evidence to back it up. The reality from her own words was that she will never be anyones number 1 and that hurts her deeply. Tough! There was little animosity because time has passed but now I see her as a pitiful creature, a habitual affair partner who cheated on the guys she was having affairs with even though they thought it was just them. They are weak individuals- who would choose to be anyones leftovers? Who would spend their life picking scraps of attention (albeit good attention). A person who doesn’t live in reality. Who has little or no self worth. It helped me although I didn’t solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to rest.
Revealing Affair to Affair Partners Spouse
What about telling the affair partner's spouse if the motive for doing so is to clear your conscience morally and being truthful?
When AP seeks you out
I agree with this article but sometimes the choice is taken from you. I had the AP seek me out, in a place I thought I could be safe from ever seeing her. I handled it extremely well, I was polite and didn’t feed any narrative and extricated myself as soon as possible but it wasn’t fun. What advice do you have for those us whom don’t seek them, they seek us BS?
Sounds like you handled
In reply to When AP seeks you out by mpm02
Sounds like you handled things like a lady. I had the same thing happen to me and I was polite and cordial and couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough .
Contact with AP
I agree with this article. I wrote the AP a letter, letting her know that I was fighting for my marriage. I told her Gid has a plan for her life and that plan is not my husband. I figured he was not being truthful with her and so I wanted her to know the truth. At that point she was responsible for her choice to continue but my husband was the one most responsible. It did help me just to know she knew the truth.
Still trying to recover after 20 years
My husband had an affair when the kids were 8 and 13. I divorced him and he married her. They were married for 17 years and he died of stage 4 lung cancer at age 60. I thought she would move after he passed. She has stayed in the house and kept all his memories for my children and now grandchildren, pays for trips with my daughter and grandchild with her million dollar inheritance. This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. It still hurts and I need to move on. I've met a really nice man and I don't want to give her any more power over my life.
Respond to an apology?
I’ve been struggling with whether or not to respond to my husband’s ap. She is married and moved 3 houses away from us while the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me. My husband called it off and she continued to pursue him. I found out and he has been transparent with everything. 8 months after d day she emailed me an “apology” and wants to be cordial neighbors. I’m not sure if I should respond to the apology or just ignore.
I would loooove an apology
In reply to Respond to an apology? by A Jo
I would loooove an apology
Maybe just something short like thank you
What about the AP spouse
My wife is lying to me. She said it's over, but I know it's not. Should I tell the affair partner's spouse?
Thank you for stating that
Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife).
My husband had a long term, intense emotional affair with a woman at work. He denies that it became physical but he lied about everything and kept the relationship completely secret for at least three years so I’ll never be completely sure. The other woman is also married. I want to stay married. I want vengeance but everytime I seriously think about confronting her, I remember that I need her to stay with her poor cuckold of a husband so she won’t be completely available. If they both stay married, maybe they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse.
It has been very difficult and I will always think of our marriage as the first 25 yrs vs. the rest of it. It was helpful to me that I went into the marriage all those years ago with the attitude that I would not unnecessarily squander our marriage if he failed to live up to the commitment. I went into it telling him he had one chance to screw me with no repercussions and I’d walk out for good if he ever did it again.
So he knows he’s had what I call his fling. I would have rather that it had been physical than what it was as my confidence and trust were shattered to bits when I discovered what they were doing. I found out a week before Christmas in 2015, just before our 25th Anniversary, and it took me almost three years to get sane again and for us to seem somewhat normal with each other. Most men would give up in that amount of time or relapse. He didn’t but I keep a close eye on him.
We treat each other differently now. We verbalize happy and unhappy and we talk more. We don’t take each other for granted as we now know what boundaries are non-negotiable.
If you are going through it, I wish you faith, hope, and persistence. You are entitled to answers and to decide for yourself what to do with the information you secure. You deserve never to have to go through it again and the assurance that it will never happen again. If they can’t give you that promise, you really don’t have much to work with. If they can, then at least give it another chance.
Confronting the AP
My initial contact with my wife's AP was to let him know the gig was up. I attempted to make him feel guilty for treating my wife like a cheap tramp and explained to him that, unlike him, I loved her and would take care of her., etc., etc., etc. Of course he forwarded my email to her, and to my utter shock she let him know that she didn't feel the same as I did (she was still DEEP in the fog of the affair and hadn't confronted her illusions and rationalizations yet) and that her 'friendship' with him (old boyfriend from 30 years earlier) always had and always would be special to her.
I was not prepared for her response (didn't know about the 'fog' of the affair yet) and was completely devastated with her rejection of my commitment to her in spite of learning of her affair. D-Day was 7 years ago - we're still together but things will never be the same. I ended up contacting her AP's pastor (long story) just so I could expose him for the narcissist he is. This also backfired. He denied it at first but when faced with the undeniable evidence I presented to the pastor he confessed, said he was sorry (to the pastor - never to me or my wife) for what he had done, and that was that. Just a few months later that same pastor performed the marriage ceremony for him and his fiancé - whom he was cheating on with my wife.
People never cease to amaze me, both the evil and the naive. Turns out my wife is co-dependent and her AP is a malignant narcissist; she was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I still feel like I did the right thing by exposing him to his family and his church, but the real issue was my wife; he was just a symptom. I wanted so much to see her as a victim because facing the truth – that she chose of her own free will to betray me and risked the loss of our marriage to be with a 'man' who had abandoned her for 30 years – was just too painful for me to admit.
Thank you
Rick, thank you for this article. It gave me even more strength and let me feel better about myself. I did exactly that....ignored the AP. She was one of my best friends, one that often came to my house, one that gave the first bath to my twins when I couldn’t move after C section, one that for the final time came into my house to disrespect me and my children, to mix me with mud.
I showed her pure ignorance. She wanted to meet, to talk..... I thought to myself - how on earth can I be sued she will be telling me the truth and not manipulating the situation. She had been deceiving me for 2 years whilst having an affair with my husband, manipulating situations, even sending anon letters to give me hints he is over the side in the hope I will kick him out do they can be together without me ever realising...why all of the sudden she would be telling me the truth. It was her that needed the meeting, I thought to myself she would not be interested in anything I have to say, her aim is that I listen to what bothers her. I never responded to her message.....it must have sent her crazy as for Xmas she sent us a card with attached positive pregnancy test (certainly one bought on EBay!) only to destroy our Xmas. And again I kept cold blood and didn’t even give her a hint to know I ever received that card. In a way, I was happy....it opened my husband’s eyes to whom she really is, and it was my opportunity to show to him that I’m the better, proud, string and wise woman.
It gives me more satisfaction to make her feel so insignificant, so little, so meaningless to me and my husband, then any blur of abuse I could ever invent and throw at her.
There are times it doesn’t come easy...., the situation is complex, my sister in low is best friends with her, and knew all along..., it feels as if I have been betrayed by my husband, best mate, brother and sister in low all at the same time. As a result we don’t talk, perhaps this is for the better....why do I need two faced people around me and my children. Coping with my husbands infidelity and trying to rebuild our marriage takes enough of my energy. I made my vowels to him, not them, don’t owe them anything. I owe to my family and children though and will stand in my head to make things work. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake.
I wish you all strength. And go by Ricky’s advice, I agree 100% it is effective.
I understand and agree with
I understand and agree with all of the 8 listed, however, my UW AP lives a couple miles down the road and we will inevitably run into each other. I plan to confront him when this happens, for me. I need nothing from him. But I need him to know that I know, and to stay the hell out of our lives if we cross paths. That's for myself. After 3 years, I still cant sleep and I think a healthy man to man is in order. I expect no apologies, no truth, no remorse. I need him to know for me.
I wish that for your sake he
In reply to I understand and agree with by rectifythis
I wish that for your sake he won't want to say anything in reply to what you say, but knowing APs, he will and it will be unpredictable and probably extremely painful what he says in reply, even if it isn't founded on truth. Each person has to make their own decisions, but I hope you don't cause yourself any more pain. I would like to think I'd be strong enough to walk past my UH AP one day without giving her any expression of emotion or time of day.
Contacting affair partner
In reply to I wish that for your sake he by E2019
I'm hoping to be able to see the AP one day with no reaction. Not there yet. I did confront her. I'm not sorry I did, but it probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. She used our meeting to gain sympathy from her husband. Probably convinced her to keep working on mine. Oh well. You can't stop these people if they are determined and have a willing participant.
Thank you rick!
Just what I needed to hear. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! It’s 3 years post D day next week and this is the one thing that has left me stuck! I feel so much better hearing you say that it makes them feel insignificant as that is exactly what I wanted to convey to her. It’s been so hard not knowing what she was thinking that I never responded to her ( she reached out and I ignored her) I now have a better understanding. At first I thought she must have thought I was weak by not responding, but now I realize I must have made her feel invisible and totally on the outside while my husband and I were in the inside... the switching of those roles must’ve been unbearable to her… After all she felt like she was in the inside until she was most definitely out and I didn’t let her in!!! Thank you!! ??
Thank you Carolann!
In reply to Thank you rick! by carolann
While Rick’s writing addresses exactly the phase I am currently in, your words are the ones that hit home. Every now and then she reaches out to my husband, every time it really upsets me. I have asked my husband to repeat to her to stop any contact but he refused, insisting that it is better to ignore her completely instead. He is so right and thank you for helping me to accept that. I’m often thinking of her and what I would say to her or even her husband, and I hope that reading your reply and Rick’s post will help me to gently stop these thoughts as well. It would be a relief and would give me tonnes of extra energy for our relationship.
Made contact. Got a response. Then I ghosted.
In reply to Thank you rick! by carolann
Wow I never thought to think of it like this. I contacted the AP via message. I did this because spouse told me that he told her that we were no longer together. I Literally just gave birth to his child and we live together. He came home to me / us every night... anyway, I reached out in a way to let her know that I now know. She then responded saying not to blame her blah blah. And then she sent another message that she would be happy to meet to set the record straight. I never responded after that. I thought she was not worth my time! I hope it infuriates her.
I have no idea whether they are still in touch. He claims they are not. But she is liking photos his cousin is putting up of them fishing. I know that if I were in her shoes, If she didn’t know my spouse and I were together and found out he had been lying not only to her but his wife and child, I would never want t anything to do with the guy ever again. Could they still be seeing each other? Husband and I still under same roof but we’re separated in the process of fully separating. Our baby is now 8 mo.
I confronted him
Aaaand...laughed. He was old, ugly, and weak. He was visibly shaking during the encounter and when he cried to my wife she then saw him as pathetic. Complete reversal of what she thought before. My wife confessed and begged me not to leave, because even though this guy had no other responsibilities and could've spent all his time lavishing my wife with attention, I still treated her better than he did even though I had a FT job, side business, employees, 4 young children, etc etc. Amazing. Goes to show you its all their own issues, not anything to do with us. Worked in my case, but I get why you'd advise against it.
Affair partner contact
Too late for this article. I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. I sent him a letter warning him to never contact her again. My wife claimed she had told him this already. I sent it to his Dr.s office. Not addressed to him but the office. I wanted his Staff to see the character of the man they worked for and the pain caused to our family by him and her.
Experience in Contacting AP
I agree with all of Rick's observations. I offer my experience only by way of illustration. When devastated by my wife's adultery I responded with great naivete: I believed my wife's partial & trickle truths; in response to her blaming me I took on much too much responsibility & accepted her revisionist history of our marriage; I did not demand an immediate cessation of the affair & no contact; I did not demand she make amends. I even invited further contact so that she could 'work it out.'
In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one. The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the counsel that is now standard.
Back to my story: I contacted the AP in order to gain insight. When we met I did not confront him but rather simply asked him how it started & what it meant to him & so on. We had a 'good' conversation during which I was even vulnerable enough to weep. What did I learn that I could trust? Nothing! He naturally attributed the initiative in the affair to my wife, while she attributes it to him, but how can I decide who's accurate about that? Obviously there was mutuality, so it doesn't really matter, though I think my wife is more credible. My errand accomplished nothing.
Through it all, however, I am glad that I've never fixated on the AP, nor have I wasted much energy in hostility toward him. My focus has been on my relationship with my wife. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. And I'm glad to say that we've made great progress in healing.
Rick's comment that people affair down, not up, is very interesting & my guess is that he's right. That was certainly true in our situation.
I hope this vignette is helpful to others thinking about whether to contact an AP.
Contacting the AP
I’d largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way. My husband told me half the truth, she told me the rest in the hope I’d kick him out. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadn’t told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). It taught him there wasn’t a limit to what I could cope with - but yes she did turn to him for comfort and played the guilt card. I said to her, he was playing one of us off against the other so we should talk. It didn’t seem to bother her that he was lying to her - she just said what fun he must be having sleeping with us both. Yes I know she would lie to me if it helped her cause - I can’t trust her - and phoning her is the only way I know to find out if the affair is over, but I can’t as if it is over it would start it up again, and if it isn’t I know the truth will find me in God’s perfect time. It always does. But I’m glad I know what attracted him to her - the light heartedness and fun and ultimately the emptiness
confronting affair partner
What if you should meet up with her by chance? I have fantasized about that, but what is the best thing to say to her, if anything? (The affair is over.)
I am dreading this. I have
In reply to confronting affair partner by karyn
I am dreading this. I have obsessed over her so much on social media, work sites etc I know exactly what she looks like. Plus, my husband is a photographer and I have his photos of her too. We all live in the same city.....a small one.....ugh! What would you do?
When the AP joins the family
During the affair, my husband's AP got close to my in-laws (my FIL and his wife--my MIL is deceased) and convinced them that I am abusive and controlling and that my husband had been miserable our entire 24-year marriage. She was just trying to "rescue him." When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. This was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her. They don't care that my husband's affair with her caused him to lose his 17-year ministry career or that it did permanent damage to our marriage and his relationships with our girls. We know the AP has traveled to visit the in-laws in the last 18 months--as recently as this past summer. As a result of their friendship with her, our children and I have cut off contact with them. My husband does stay in touch with his dad some. Now the dad is dying of cancer and maybe has a year to live. My husband would like to see his dad one more time, but we fear the in-laws will signal to the AP that he is coming and will try to arrange a meeting between them since they want so badly for my husband and the AP to get back together. We think they have no idea that when my husband met the AP, she was married to one man, living with another man, and getting on Ashley Madison looking for married men for sex. That's how she met my husband. At some point my FIL will pass away and I'm sure the AP will show up at the funeral. So what about those of us whose AP's are still hanging on through other family members? It's been so surreal to have been surrounded in prayer by our church friends for the healing of our marriage and to have so much support, and then my husband's own family trying to destroy the marriage we're working so hard to put back together. It's been so bad that our daughters don't really even care to see or speak to their grandfather before he dies. They don't even like for me to refer to him as their grandfather.
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