I'm not one of those guys who has it all together, but I'm sure you can relate. Sometimes, it feels like there's no way to survive the pain being generated by circumstances in our life. Betrayal is a pain like no other, but there are many other painful situations that can knock the stuffing out of you too.

A Family Tragedy

When I was a young boy, my dad was the strongest man around. He taught me about being a man. He took me fishing, hunting, camping, and tried, as best he knew how, to teach me how to live life. He was not perfect (he would be the first to tell you), but I suspect he did far better than I could have done with the same limitations. Dad was only six months old when his mother placed him too close to the fireplace, which ignited the blankets and tragically burned off his feet. As sharecroppers in the '20s and '30s, there were few resources and times were tough. The Shriner's Hospital in Dallas, Texas, helped by providing much needed surgery when Dad was five years old. How many of you can imagine placing a five-year-old boy on a train, alone, from central Texas to Dallas? Dad spent six weeks, separated from family, in a hospital burn ward where they cut the scar tissue so they could separate what was left of his feet from his shins. The result wasn't pretty, but at least his stubs were down to a 90-degree angle!

In Hiding

In his family, it was never an option for Dad to be crippled, so they put cotton in his shoes as homemade orthotics and told him to get along. All throughout his life, very few people knew my dad didn't have feet. He learned how to walk and adapt so others would never suspect his major limitations. He hid his pain by hiding his shame, making sure he always wore long pants, shoes, and socks so others wouldn't know. For Dad, the goal was to never show weakness. To do that, it became necessary to succeed. He believed that anything worth doing was worth doing perfectly. Dad lived in constant fear of being discovered as a "fake."

Hiding pain is not the same as walking through the pain. If our pain isn't addressed, it is transformed into shame and we'll spend the rest of our lives in denial, afraid that others will discover the truth. We mistakenly believe that hiding the reality of our situation will somehow save us from the pain, yet doing so only serves to enslave us to that very same pain. Hidden pain is then transformed into shame. Our shame then negatively impacts all those we love and serves as the fuel to perpetuate our cycle.

Transform: Not Transmit

I firmly believe that pain that is not transformed will be transmitted. My dad was a tremendous man, but fear and shame ruled his life. Few men have loved their children more deeply than my dad did, but all his love couldn't negate the pain and negative messages he transmitted to his sons. If you teach your kids to never show weakness, then you automatically imply there's a weakness to hide. While Dad was teaching us the messages he lived by to survive, even though he meant well, he inadvertently transmitted his pain and shame to us, his sons who he sought to protect.

The problem with pain is it can't be ignored. You may be thinking that you can ignore the wounds perpetrated by others or those created by your own poor choices, but that's not true. The pain still has an impact. The only question is, do we have the courage to walk through the pain and deal with its impact in an honest way?

Your Response

The solution doesn't lie in pretending the situation never occurred, rather it's the ability to accept what happened and then walk through whatever is necessary to address it.

It takes a great deal of courage to face life on life's terms, but it's the only path to maturity and growth. For my dad's sake, I wish he had been able to face his handicaps rather than feeling he had to hide them. I honestly believe I would have been even more proud of Dad if his story had been that of a man who was flawed and yet, by the grace of God, lived beyond his capabilities. (I was still incredibly proud of him. I just wish Dad didn't feel he had to hide his disabilities.)

You may be wondering what this has to do with infidelity. The answer is...

e v e r y t h i n g.

How you decide to respond to your pain will greatly influence your future and the future of your children.

If you choose to deal with infidelity, rather than hiding or avoiding it, you allow it to become a part of your life's story. I can virtually promise it will set you free and send you toward the life you've always wanted. Failure to do so will result in passing on your unfinished business (and hurts) to those you love—something none of us want to do.