Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Surviving Infidelity: Does Time Heal All Wounds?

Have you ever had a torn rotator cuff? It’s embarrassing to admit, but I tore my rotator cuff playing on our Xbox 360 Kinect. (For those of you who don’t know this is a virtual game you play on the television) I mistakenly believed that if I carefully protected my shoulder it would heal on it’s own. Four months later, I now see that my plan didn’t work- I’m going to need surgery.

The old saying “time heals all wounds” isn’t necessarily true, especially when we’re talking about healing after an affair. It’s not time that heals all wounds rather it’s a matter of how that time is spent. Infidelity is one of those situations where doing nothing seems to make things worse.

Yesterday while talking to one of our mentor couples, I asked, “In retrospect, what did you not know that you needed to know after the affair was discovered?” The betrayed spouse first said that she wished she’d realized the affair was not about her. She said had she known this, it would’ve allowed her to focus on real issues rather than trying to change to control choices. If she didn’t cause it, then she had very little leverage to control the outcome.

When I asked what was the least productive thing she did after discovery, she said that it was her rage. She told me her first response was to try to make him hurt as badly as she was hurting. She said, “I gave myself permission to begin hitting him to make him hurt like me. I wanted to punish him rather than exploring what I needed to do to move forward.” She added, “Not only did it not make me feel better, but it kept me from moving forward because I was trapped playing the role of executioner.” Anger is a common roadblock for healing after an affair.

The one thing her husband could see in retrospect was that getting the truth out was necessary before they could begin to heal. He said that the least productive thing he did was beating himself up with guilt and shame rather than beginning to explore answers as to why he did it. He said, “All I could think about was me and how bad I’d screwed up rather trying to discover how I’d gotten here in the first place and what I needed to do to keep from repeating my mistakes.” He said that he now sees how beating himself up was only effective as long as he felt the pain, but if he’d begun to explore what was driving him he could have cut months off their recovery.

We conducted a survey about the importance of how to make sure we are offering what couples need. The participation of people who follow our organization has benefited others who are trying to recover and find a better life.

You can view the results and insights that we gained from the survey by reading the article linked below.

"Surviving Infidelity Survey Part 1: What do You Need to Know?"

I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts to help others on their journey.

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I am the one who cheated on

I am the one who cheated on my spouse.  I believe I have a serious problem....but due to finances, I can't get any help!  I'm trying hard to read everything I can, but I know my spouse doesn't believe I'm really working at it.  It is so frustrating..... 

time heals all wounds

Time does help. Not time alone, but time that is taken up with the hard work of building a new life together. In the beginning, when the pain was unbearable, I wanted an answer for 'how long' it would last...when would I --- or could I ---ever feel normal again...was it possible not to either hurt or rage. I got answers such as "for as long as the affair lasted' (I despaired; I couldn't bear to feel this way for over 3 years!!) to 18 months as a magic figure for recovery. My experience is that the first year after the revelation was the most difficult because I had to live through the significant moments of that year with the knowledge that one and two and three years previous, those same birthday celebrations, family vacations, Christmas mornings were a lie; my husband had been unfaithful through each of those precious events. Eyes now open to the sham my life had been, all special memories were a brutal twist in the fresh wound and I began to dread any approaching holiday. But we were very conscious that, in that first year, despite all of the weeping and howling and gnashing of teeth, we had to create new traditions and significant moments. We changed the way we did vacations. We celebrated special days with new traditions. We took lots of photos. We crowded the year with new and good memories. The second year was easier, now that we had this buffer between the painful past and our new life together. It's been 3 years now and because we did enough that was constructive in that time, I can say that the pain of the betrayal is less and less a part of our daily lives, unlike the first 12 months. Time, filled with new love and the grueling task of forgiveness, stuffed full of deliberate efforts to change and recreate one's marriage, can heal the cruelest of wounds.

healing

This article is so right, time heals all wounds but depends on how you use the time! your Affair Recovery website and letters helps really..Thanks and God bless your intention to help and guide people recover from broken relationships and become better at relating from their experience.

When I heard it takes around

When I heard it takes around 18 months to get through this horrible ordeal, I almost felt that I couldn't make it that long. But now close to two years later, I am very thankful and happy most of the time. There are triggers but they are becoming less and less. The first year was very hard. The relationship we have now is a healthy one. We have both spent time working on ourselves individually and as a couple. The one thing that helped me the most was leaning on God. He carried me through this ordeal and I am so thankful!

the article on time healing wounds

I am very fresh in this process.  Less than 10 weeks since my most recent discovery, however, this is one of many cheating instances we have gone through.   My partner has been cheating essentially since the day we met.     I have managed to forgive and move on each time until now.   This time the realization that he has a serious problem has hit me.  Everything I ever seen in him or believed about him has died and has to be rediscovered and rebuilt.   Some will never be the same.   Some will be better.   It is encouraging to read the posts and articles about so many people who have recovered and have better relationships.   For me, at this early stage, one of my biggest frustrations and sources of anger is his need to feel like things are ok.   They are not ok. They are far from ok.   While I desperately want to feel normal and I usually manage from day to day to act as though things are normal and to work hard at building new moments and memories,  he always manages to seem suprised and wounded when triggers occure or when I can't muster up the "feel good" "loving" attitude enough for his fragile security.   I resent that he put us here and yet I feel like it is my job to push the healing along as fast as possible so that he can feel safe and secure.    I also resent that he feels that because he is finally making an effort to learn why he does what he does that I should somehow feel miraculously better about what he has done or the lie our life now feels like to me.    

  My point in posting is to confirm that though time may heal all wounds, it is definitely what you do with the time that matters.   For those of us who have been cheated on,  it takes a LOT of time,  and a LOT of different milestones and trust building acts before we can begin to tear through the walls of anger and fear.   It is unfair to expect us to be the source of comfort and security for those who made choices to cheat in our relationships and it is unfair to expect us to maintain a constant loving spirit or sense of normalcy, no matter how much you want for us to be able to or want for us to believe in your again.   We NEED time to grieve and go through the stages of grief.   We NEED you to be strong enough to watch and feel us grieve and comfort us instead of wanting us to reassure you.   We know it takes two.  We know we have to forgive and move on.  We know we have to learn to believe in you and have faith in you.   But please please do NOT expect that to happen in the course of weeks, or even months.   We NEED To talk about it, face it, be angry about it and be sad over it, NOT to begin sweeping it under the rug days or weeks after it comes out into the open.

  We have dozens even hundreds of questions we need answered to help us come to terms and find understanding.  To know our roles and to also realize those things we never had control of.   I know that it is uncomfortable and painful to have the same discussions over and over.  I know that you cherish the good days between us and you don't want them to slip away and return to conflict and pain,  but you are chipping away at any foundation we will ever rebuild when you force our healing into overdrive just to make yourself comfortable.  When you feel warm and fuzzy that we have had a week straight of "normal" days, we may hurt inside because the source of our deepest pain feels like it is being avoided.   When you want to profess that you are a new and different person,  we most likely question the validity of that based on how willing or unwilling you have been to face what you have done.   If you are avoiding our pain,  it is very likely you are avoiding the truth about who and what you have been and that affects who you will be.   It's only logical that those things may also affect our ability to believe you will be anything different or whether we can be safe in a relationship with you or whether we must accept that your weaknesses may always require immediate comfort and or gratification from another person.   In short,  you have to build the foundation first if you want us to have faith in the security and stability of who you are.  

   I may be looking at this from the wrong perspective or maybe I am too freshly immersed in the deception and betrayal that rocked our world but I think there are others like me.  Who are weeks into the journey or even a year into the journey who feel this same frustration and sense of being caged in by our cheating spouses desperate and emotional neediness for us to heal and forget.    We read these articles that tell us rage is not the right response and that it all centers on forgiveness and we feel desperately trapped by it all.    I can not stress enough that time is of course specific to each individual but it is crucial not to rush it in those first few months to year.   Time is exactly what it is going to take.  Time and EFFORT,  not time and avoidance or time and insistance or time and pleading.   Time and EFFORT,  real proof of change, real proof of understanding.    And our needing that time does not indicate the incapacity to forgive or an unwillingness to forgive that you may want to believe it indicates.   It means we are human beings who need to grieve and that perhaps some of our cheating spouses are placing unrealistic expectations on us about how we are suppose to go about that.    And some of our spouses are being selfish in wanting to avoid the pain and the process in order to feel normal, comfortable and secure about themselves and their future.    I may be wrong but I do not believe that any amount of time will heal what has been broken when approached in that manner.

 

Thanks

Wow! What a comment from my head & heart! Thank you for writing this, it has helped me tremendously!

Thank you

It is 12 weeks since I made the discovery that my husband has been unfaithful with prostitutes for at least 15 years of our 30 year marriage. I am shattered but trying to find in myself a way to forgive him and repair our relationship. Thank you for your sharing your own struggle - it is very close to how I feel and reading that others are on the same difficult journey and battling with similar issues is very comforting.

Kristi.....

I am so sorry. My husband has done the same thing. I lost an entire year of my life to the shock of it all. Please know I understand and feel your pain and I am so so sorry your life has been derailed onto this path.
I wish I could help.
I just found this resource two days ago as I am still looking for healing over this selfish tragedy. I really hope you fare better than I.

Perfect

You read my heart. Thank you.

Time healing wounds

Just a comment on what you said. I am sitting here still with the spouse that cheated on me after 3 years of disclosure # 1. And I can testify to the fact that if we don't work on the healing from the affair together no matter how much time goes by the hurt and pain doesn't go away. I am still dealing with all of the hurt, brokenness and pain that I had from the very beginning. When the spouse ignores what they have done then the marriage just keeps dying a slow death. I came across this web site in HOPES of find something that will help.

Time

Thank you so much for your response to this article. From the perspective of the betrayer, I was totally blind to what my husband had been going through. Now I realize how unrealistic my expectations had been. I get it now!

It was like listening to myself!

I was enthralled as I read through your post, thinking this is ME!! This is the way I feel but have never been able to get my spouse to understand. Just because he wants everything to be okay and he wants us to be able to move on doesn't mean that I can emotionally move on this time. For five years (since we have been married), he has cybercheated on me with hundreds of women and I believe he has met with several although he swears he hasn't. I would just get over the shock of one sordid incident just to get smacked in the face with another. I never had time to get off my knees before I would get hit with another heart ache. So after awhile I became more distant from him, I guess trying to protect myself in a way from more hurt. Needless to say I wasn't as "affectionate" as I used to be and he uses that as his excuse for what drove him to a six-month full blown affair, something I never dreamed he would do. Even after that knock out punch he believes that I should just be able to bounce back and he is commenting about my lack of affection. I just don' get it. I am so happy that I finally found this site after going it alone for 5 years. I'm hoping I will have the support I need now to start the healing process.

Amen

"When you feel warm and fuzzy that we have had a week straight of "normal" days, we may hurt inside because the source of our deepest pain feels like it is being avoided. When you want to profess that you are a new and different person, we most likely question the validity of that based on how willing or unwilling you have been to face what you have done."

Yes yes you state it all so well, sister. D day was just January 7 for me. My husband has truly doing everything right since then. And it's STILL HARD.

One of my issues is feeling like I'm leading a double life. It's insane, functioning normally during the day by compartmentalizating with the kids and with my husband, and feeling happy, normal, etc. For instance, I just planned for our family to go out for Valentine's Day tomorrow, and look forward to it. Yet I know when the lights go off at bedtime, and when my eyes open in the morning, the pain will rise to the surface. I hate how the double life my husband led now forces ME to have to live a divided life in front of our kids, and even to a certain extent, my husband. I feel like an imposter. Everything in my world has changed, but life marches on, and since our children must be protected from the truth, I essentially have to live a lie in front of them and pretend everything is alright with me. There's been some "Mom's not feeling well right now" or "Mom and dad are getting help with our relationship right now" etc. but this is far from the reality.

Does anyone out there know what I mean?

Time

It has now been 7 years since my husband confessed that he had an affair, we struggled through 12 months of pain, poor advice, anger and hurt. Mostly trying to decide whether to remain in the marriage. Added with an alcohol problem, it was a very draining time, while he decided which women to stay with. It was very destructive. I then took our 2 young children and went back to my family. I spent 12 months with them. It was the best thing I did, giving us time to talk in a safe environment and to take the pressure off. I told him he had to make some decisions and changes before i would come back, if that was his choice. He visited frequently. I came back to our home with our 3rd child. Now 5 years after returning i am so glad that i tried and continued to walk through the process. Many of our friends did not understand how i could remain with him, but today the proof is in the pudding so to speak. Being willing to allow each other to move through the different steps is so important. My Dad gave me some advice that really helped. He said "Don't keep Him in a box, don't keep looking at him as unchangeable, allow him the grace to change." It is so hard when someone has hurt you and you loose your trust in them to accept that they have changed. Pretty words are not enough. There must be the fruit of repentance. A change in behaviour. Mostly now when i look back i see how much has changed but that is the privilege of hindsight, but you need time to see it. My biggest help came from God. He really is the only one who knows everything about your situation. So many issues came to light through out our process, for each of us many issues really had nothing to do with each other but pain from our pasts. Now i know that much of our success was because we were both willing to take the time and not give up. Willing to give time to each other, and to trust God to help us.

I have asked 'Where is God in all of this?'

I am a man who was betrayed. The betrayal is pretty recent. The discovery even more recent. And, worst of all, my wife doesn't seem to want to reconcile. And, as a Christian myself, I have asked the question that most are afraid to ask: "Where is God in all of this?" I have read the comments from the women who are betrayed, and they all seem to praise God for being there for them. I do not doubt that He was, nor do I really doubt that He is with me now. But, really, I feel a terrible sense of loss, and I have forgiven my wife...and I still love her, despite the damage, pain, anguish, and the work of healing we must endure now because of her betrayal. But, I have been asking where God is in all of this. I am so broken and so lost for any kind of footing...it seems, though God obviously knows about my situation, I feel He isn't doing anything to help it heal. At least all of you have a spouse that is willing to come back to the marriage after their betrayals. At this juncture, mine does not. It may be too early to tell for me right now...she may just be offering bluster...but I am having to forgive a spouse that may not want to be forgiven. This is like an amputation. Will I live? Yes.but I'd rather have my arm back...even if it is limited in it's ability to use. God will heal me...but I would rather have my wife back. Is ti so wrong to question God in this time? It is bad enough to have your emotions out of control, your manhood (or womanhood) stripped from you, self-worth reduced, your pain going straight to your bones...and now your faith is shaken. I feel betrayed by my wife...and yet trapped because I don't seem to trust God like I once did.

WHERE IS GOD

I read your post and am also recently reeling from the discovery of infidelity by my spouse. I found out four weeks ago and had done nothing but cry and isolate myself. Three days ago I got a call from my dearest friend from out of state. I cautiously asked why she was calling. Immediately she said " Just tell me what's going on". She made me realize that knowing was the best way to rebuild our marriage if we are able to. I had suspected for a while, which just made me feel anxious and suspicious. Now we can truly heal. I believe God inspired her to call me on the first day I felt I could share what was going on and for her to share the words that have helped me to accept whats happened and start a process of healing. She even got me to laugh for the first time in a month. It hurts to have a betrayal, but God didn't abandon me and he didn't abandon you. One thing my friend said really helped. We are all broken people, imperfect people that have made mistakes. She suggested that I thank God for five things everyday, even if it was just for breathing. Apparently grateful people are 25% happier. God brought her to me when I was becoming desperately low. The holy spirit moved her to speak the words I needed to hear. She even shared that some dear friends of ours had survived infidelity and I look at their marriage so admiringly. You arent alone. My daughter is getting her PhD in psychology. She told me the very sad statistic that 74% of marriages experience infidelity. I was shocked, but she said it's because couples that survive are least likely to share so it's a hidden reality. Couples do overcome with hard work and commitment. I'm not even sure we will survive this, because my husband has a very hard time sharing his emotions and being honest with what he's feeling. But I have learned that God didn't abandon me and he is there with you. I will pray for you and your spouse to to come to terms with what's happened and start a healing process and that you both keep God in the center of it all. Trust in him that, with his help, you will come to a better place for both of you. God's peace, Laura

Where is god in all of this ?

I am on the same boat your are in . I'm a male whose wife cheated on me with a supposed friend of mine . It has been 4 weeks since I caught them red handed . I could see their relationship materialize right in front of my eyes because he was at our house several times at parties and other family functions . This was so painful to watch and I questioned her several times and she said they were just friends . It's especially tough because he was married and our kids were best friends . Now our kids can't see each other because the betrayed spouses won't allow the kids to be around the betrayors . I have prayed for so long during this last year , asking god to relieve the pain and try to clarify everything . I still love my wife so much, our marriage was not in the best shape before this happened . I am willing to put the work in to rebuild but she says she is lost and needs to figure out who she is . She is not sure if she wants to try and rebuild . Unfortunately she doesn't have a job and is a stay at home mom . She feels trapped because she is dependent on my income . She seems so lost . It pains me to see her like this . It's surreal because I am the betrayed spouse , yet I am the one wanting to stay together , especially because we have kids evolved . I pray everyday on this for some kind of relief and resolve . I will try and stay the course and hopefully God will show his presence soon .

Where is God?

Will,
I had the same experience wondering where God went during my struggle. I couldn't feel him anymore, and I couldn't seem to connect with him. I had considered my husband and I were both Christians. But after discovering my husband had cheated on me at least 3 times ( he still has yet to disclose everything 3 years after discovery) I couldn't shake the feeling that God had left me and I couldn't feel his presence anymore. My counselor told me she had experienced the same thing. I eventually started reading scripture everyday, and I have since recovered a relationship with God. I use the Holy Bible ap for devotions and infidelity support. Hang in there and give it time. Your life has been shaken to the core and everything may look hopeless. But hang on and get support from family, friends, counselors, and websites like this. I wish you the very best.

Hello

Hi Will. I realize you wrote this some time ago. It hits home with me. Tremendously. I was wondering how everything worked out?

Best,
Sarah

What a great place of comfort and understanding

Wow! Although I am very new to this entire process, I can SO identify with so many of the posts. I can take bits and pieces and put them all together to fit my circumstances. I am still in the tunnel of disbelief, sorrow, anguish and apprehension as to where this will end up. My faith has kept me strong, but I find myself weakening, especially when distrust enters time and again, mostly due to the indecision I see in him. He is SAYING he wants to stay and work, but does not seem committed to DO the work it will take to move forward. I do not expect an overnight change...I know it will take YEARS to rebuild what has been destroyed, but I know this will take outside help and work...hard work to ever be restored. The question has been asked, what do you get by staying? My prayer is that with help (God's and counseling) and a changed heart, we can have a better life than ever before. I am trying so hard to hold on to this.

GOING THROUGH IT ALSO

I AM IN THE SAME BOAT AS THE ABOVE, HE DOESNT REALLY DO MUCH FOR US TO MOVE FORWARD. HE HAS THE ITS OVER AND WE SHOULD JUST LET IT GO ATTITUDE. HE DOESNT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE. THERE IS NO ABUNDANCE OF LOVE, WE DIDNT EVEN HAVE THAT SHORT HONEYMOON PHASE MOST COUPLES GET WHEN THEY GET BACK TOGETHER. I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT HE REALLY WANTS TO BE HERE, AND THAT HES JUST GOING THROUGH IT ALSO BUT WONT ADMIT IT. I STAY PRETTY CONFUSED, ALL I KNOW IS THIS COLD SHELL I USED TO CALL MY HUSBAND IS SLOWLY PUSHING ME AWAY!

Going through it also - part II

I know you posted this a year ago, but to me it's all brand new and it still speaks volumes. My wife had what I would term a "Facebook" affair. I managed to tap into her messages for about 4 weeks and watch them talk, delete messages, talk about their plans for the future together in a different city, sexual conversations. I finally blew the cover when I called him - and then showed my wife all the messages. I was ready to blow the whole thing up and call it a day as my wife has been cold as ice to me anyway for the last 6 or 7 years. In that time, our sex life stopped completely. And no matter how many times I tried to engage her romantically or sexually - it was just impossible. However, outside of that environment, we got along great. She had no problem sitting with me on the couch to watch a movie or cuddling up with me in bed all night. And despite all my attempts to take us back to a new beginning (trips, nights out, romantic dinners, movies, flowers, etc.), it was fruitless. This little "affair", if you want to call it that, was just the straw that broke the camel's back. My wife admitted to me she doesn't really love me any more. I've spent every day this month praying for either 1) a way out without destroying our kids or 2) the renewal of our marriage AND the love we once had. These last few days have been a roller coaster from hell itself. I no longer trust her since she's still spending most of her time on her iPhone (I curse the day I bought that for her) and I can't get her to commit back to THIS relationship. And there are a number of mitigating factors as well that are exacerbating the pain and frustration of this whole situation. But I do know this - God is with me every step of the way - whichever way it goes. And I fell in my heart that he will somehow, someway bring her back home... and by home, I mean me and God. She's spiritually, emotionally and mentally checked out at the moment. But I'm still holding on to hope that she will open her eyes - and realize the grave error she's making. I hope since last year, things have worked out for you and that your husband has returned. Meanwhile, these boards are a God-send for people like me - as writing is my thing - and allows me a chance to vent somewhat and get these thoughts off my chest. God Bless!!!!

I recently found out about my

I recently found out about my husbands affair in February. I was in disbeliefe and shock by the things I seen. I couldn't believe that my husband of 10 years would do something like that to me. I still sit here and think to myself how could he. I haven't told anyone about his affair because I don't anyone to judge me. It's been hard and I still think about it everyday! I am still with him and he has now been spending time with me and texting me randomly that he loves me. But then I think to myself why did it take this to make us closer and for him to act like my husband! Because its still a fresh wound I just don't know where to go from here! Then of course I start to look at things and I see the quote once a cheater always a cheater and I start to put myself down like I am stupid for being here! Maybe some advice from someone that's had been here and tried to make it work will help me!

Time

I am 9 days into discovery. Unfortunately, tho he says he wants to save our marriage, he "can't remember" the details. Will he ever or has he "buried the details" forever?

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

I discovered my husband's affair back in February of last year. We are getting close to the "anniversary" of that very sad event and I honestly cannot say a whole year later much has been healed. So this article was comforting. I think that if the way this past year was spent had gone differently, we would be much closer to healing as individuals and a couple.

You mentioned your husband says he "can't remember" the details. My husband did the same thing.

I found messages on his phone from a woman from his job. When first confronted, he lied. Once he finally admitted they had been messaging one another we tried to have discussion. Somewhere in that time I gave him his phone back. Later that evening I asked him for his phone so I could finish the messages. He had deleted every trace of messages between him and her in the few hours he had his phone.

Everything.

And since that day, anytime I ask him about ANY details, he "doesn't remember" and I'm not sure if it's legitimate or if he's just choosing not to share.

I assume he could have blocked it out. Something full of shame, hurt or guilt is easier dealt with by blocking it out completely, especially for a man like my husband. I also felt that there's a chance he's still hiding something. Even now.

Either way, it prolongs the healing process. It's a much harder road to building trust without full disclosure. I will be praying for you throughout this process, especially considering how fresh it is. Maybe asking him in the presence of a counselor who can help navigate and ask the hard questions may help to jog his memory.

Good luck to you.

Similar story....

I found out about the same time as you and am getting the same story as you. I explained how giving certain info will help me heal, and help avoid reliving the pain later on if it somehow comes to light in the future, but he still "can't remember" or won't talk. Have you had any results in this area yet?

Moving on

My wife left me 6 weeks ago, and I found out she was having an affair about a week later. We were married 14 years, knew each other for 16. After she left, she went into hiding, and didn't respond to calls or messages from family and friends. When I discovered who she was having an affair with, I texted her his name - and she responded "so now you know why I had to leave". I wanted to work on our marriage. Only a week before she left, we had a good conversation about steps we could take to strengthen our marriage. We made a plan together. Things were going to change. But a week later, she left. Every time I bring up forgiveness, and reconciliation she is not interested. She continues to see the new person. We have signed a separation agreement, and are selling the house. I am living in an apartment on my own now.

I have been battling depression for a long time, and she was always complaining about my physical appearance. She found someone who was an alpha male, physically fit, and she wanted to get sexual satisfaction from that. I feel abandoned, deeply hurt, and initially thought perhaps a friendship could be salvaged. However, all I feel is hate for her now. I never want to see her again. She broke a sacred promise to stay together through good times and bad, sickness and health - and lied to me as the affair was going on ( it started 3 months before she left).

In my opinion, our marriage was amazing 90 percent of the time. The last 6 months my depression was really bad. We dealt with so much together. Family loss, infertility, supporting each other through university. I thought this experience with the affair could be overcome, and it would make our marriage stronger. You go through a lot in 16 years - and now we basically can't talk anymore in a matter of a couple months. In my situation, there is no hope of getting back together, or getting over the affair. She is just not interested. I need to cut her out of my life, and move on. Maybe some day, she will feel regret, but for my to stop hurting, I needed to stop communication and block her out. After all, she doesn't deserve my friendship after what she did.

If there is one lesson I can take away from this experience, it is that a depressed spouse in a marriage can recover. I have an amazing support network, including my family doctor, friends, family, and some treatments for the depression. Despite what has happened, I feel great and am optimistic about the future - however I do think that my marriage didn't need to end and the problems were totally manageable. In the end, I will only see it as a tragedy.

You have to tell the truth

I have been in so much pain and no matter what I do my husband will not be open with himself or co-workers. Here is my poem: Life is about doing the right thing. Never throwing someone under the bus, so you would look good. . . Life is about loyalty, caring and respecting the people who you love. Love is about including others. Love is knowing what their needs are. Love is about honoring commitments. Love is cherishing the hard work your loved ones do. Love is noticing what they do. Life is telling the truth. Life is being honest. Life is doing the best you can do.
Well, after 34 years of marriage I am tired of the pain and can not take any more of it.

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