It is amazing how similar the comments are. I have heard/hear:
You were just never any fun
There was nothing wrong with just flirting- you just think I sleep with them all
I’m not even attracted to her
She was having a rough time and getting picked on at work so I wanted to lend her moral support
You just think I’m such an A-Hole when I was just being nice
That’s all over with now - can’t you just drop it - I’m tired of talking about it and think you want to talk about it just to hurt me
You’re ridiculous- so I can’t have any female friends? How long for?
I just enjoy having female friends-I’m different to most guys
More than half of all men do it so the statistics say so half of your friends are secretly going through this too
Hanging with my buddies who do this doesn’t make me do it - it’s not their fault- I should be able to stay friends with them- you are unreasonable
You make it sound like I’m just a big creep when I’m just being friendly- I’m not grooming them
I had no idea how much the first time hurt you and this time is different so can we stop talking about before - I’m going to counseling this time (1hour per month!)
Most of it wasn’t wrong it was just friendly and all of a sudden things changed (keep in mind this is repeat pattern)
I just happened to bump into .......
The sex didn’t feel as good with them because it wasn’t you- it didn’t feel right- it’s so much better and meaningful with you

Man I didn’t realize how many I’ve heard - talk about make me feel stupid!! I guess that is what happens when you are in the eye of the storm you don’t see the rubbish flying around you

I have heard all of those excuses. All of them. "She was just a friend at work" (x8+), "Well, it's not as bad as what your father did", "It was just sexting, we never actually did anything." "I think my line of work (hospital setting) is no more subjective to "office affairs" than any other profession." So, why exactly did he do it? I have no idea. He refuses to offer any kind of explanation other than, "I was stupid." Really? Wayne, is there really any hope for me? I have been separated for a year now. I was suspicious of my husband's behavior for a good 15 years...and we had some drawn out, knock down arguments about it. But I truly loved him and kept telling myself that he would not do that to me...not to me, if he loved me the way I loved him, it just wasn't possible. But a year ago, I finally confronted him about sexting and he could not deny it and it was then that I realized I had just hit the tip of the iceberg. Over the course of two months, he finally admitted that he had had multiple affairs with many women over 20+ years of our relationship...starting before we even got married. I was absolutely devastated. Yeah, the perfect example of "Don't ask the question you don't already know the answer to." But in the 12 months that we have lived apart and are now moving towards divorce, because I see no change in his behavior or any commitment to get help, do things differently, seek out therapy, provide more transparency - nothing, other than his word that "well, people can change". Psst, I'm exhausted. I have dedicated 31 years of my life to this man who I realize now knows nothing about true love and truly caring and loving others beyond himself. So, if I am missing a piece of the picture here, please enlighten me because I think I have been as patient and willing as humanly possible to re-connect with someone who is incapable of genuine, loving emotion.

My husband has a really hard time with acknowledging and discussing everything and his “reasoning” is this...... “I just know this isn’t who I am, and that I’m not always gonna be like this, so it’s just not that big of a deal to me”. He followed that with “I mean I know it’s a big deal but I just also know it’s not who I am”. I asked him when he plans on not “being that person” And he said “that’s a good question..... I guess now” . I don’t know how to help him “get it”. I have watch videos and read articles and occasionally forward one to him. We will infrequently have great conversations but right afterwards he’s a closed book again. He doesn’t flinch we I pick up his phone and he’s given me access to his email. He’s even offered to take a polygraph test, but they seem to be expensive and I’m not exactly sure what to look for when trying to find someone. We’ve been married almost 28 years and he says he loves me and could never imagine losing me, yet doesn’t seem to make the changes and effort I think he should. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations??

I remember him saying on D-Day that he said "I thought you were so strong"- so I guess strong ppl should get stabbed in the back multiple times.
He also said "I never was gonna leave your for any of them"
"I didn't know what I was thinking"

It's like who did I marry? He has given me access to his cellphone and emails, but I don't find much solace in that- he could have a 2nd hidden phone. Trust is going to take FOREVER to rebuild. Right now, I feel like I have half a marriage and just going through the motions. But despite it all AR is the only place I've found that's given me hope for the marriage- so I'm here.

My husband told me we're living just like roommates.

I love you but i'm not in love with you.

When i cried and begged and pleaded for him to consider the impact of his actions not just to our marriage, but our 3 school age children, our home, our finances, our extended families and our lives, he told me all those things were just conveniences.

I told him repeatedly that his affair was a fantasy, a game he was playing with our lives, and that i couldn't understand why he would continue a relationship with his AP (15yrs younger) that was a deadend (she was also married and pregnant with her 1st child). He would just change his passwords and become more secretive in his actions confiding in a 2nd female friend who encouraged him to seek happiness and leave his marriage on his own terms.

My husband stonewalled me for 8 years with no intimacy, not even hand holding, while he had an emotional and sexual affair with a woman who knew he was married. After it was broken off he had several excuses. "I was mad at you". "It was no big deal." "We were friends more than anything." "We never had the kind of relationship you thought we did."

Thanks for this very validating post. Four years post disclosure this is still the issue with us. It's not even the affairs (which were two one-night-stands) as much as the ongoing minimization. We just sat with our therapist yesterday as I related a rare trigger I had when my husband had a meeting that went longer than expected and didn't call. When he got home, I told my husband about it and said we should discuss with our therapist, knowing that he can't help himself from deflection and blaming. Sure enough, when I brought it up in our session, the first thing my husband said was "Oh, and you never talk about all the years of hell you put me through....yada yada yada." Which is true, I did put them (him AND the kids, now grown), through hell due to my own unrecognized childhood trauma, for which I sought and completed about 10 years of therapy, and have apologized and continue to acknowledge and apologize, and will do so as long as they need to hear it. He doesn't make the connection. He apologized....once... and says "I'm not going to grovel at your feet". So this euphemistic labeling - lets call it what it is - gaslighting - is killing my love and respect for this man and I'm sad to say that I am seriously considering leaving the marriage, not solely because he betrayed our vows, but because he continues to betray himself, and disregard the damage of a thousand small cuts.

When the unfaithful tries to justify or minimize what has happened it only hurts those around them more. While I understand the psychological reasons behind it (he may be hurting, can’t handle the extent of what he did) it does not help me in dealing with his daily hurtful behaviors.
We completed EMS online, went to several very expensive private counselors and coaches. He says he is more than willing to do the work and wants more than anything to have me and the children back.
Yet, he is unwilling to change his daily behaviors that affect our everyday lives. He continues to attend the same gym where he started the affair 3 years post D-day. He lives 15 minutes away from the affair partner and refuses to move. We tried talking about how passing the places where the affair took place affected me. He minimized it. I put up a boundary and told him I cannot be in a healthy place to raise two small children with his ex affair partner popping up at the gym, daycare, our house, his mother’s house. Yes, I filed restraining papers, and no he did not support me. He thought if I had ignored her it would go away. Again minimizing. Then shifting blame when he claimed it was a reflection of what type of person I was to call the police on someone else and ruin their life. He completed EMS online to only turn around and say he felt the program was biased and didn’t see what he had to go through.
A year after D-day he was upset when we moved away without him. Our daily lives drastically improved as we no longer had to deal with daily effects and reminders of what he had done. Now, he tried begging, pleading and making grand promises to get us to come back. However, he becomes hostile and resistant when we say how happy we are to live away from all of the chaos. Why doesn’t he join us in this new life, if he misses us so much?
He still makes statements like “I know what I did was wrong, but I am not the only one to blame,” “I am not going to live in regret for the rest of my life,” “I ain’t no saint,” “you always think you are right.” My question is how does any of that help us heal? Our lives are great without him. The only problem is I have two small children and he makes no effort to be a part of their lives unless we “live with him, because he has a right to see his children everyday.”
I was more than willing to work things out in fact for a long time I was the one making suggestions and looking up ways to heal. Now, I have given up, turned him over to God and am working on myself.
He continues to pursue me but he is not a healthy person. He lives with his parents, who quite frankly hate each other and have a lot of issues of their own. He emulates their behaviors even though he doesn’t see it. He refuses to put up boundaries with the ex affair partner saying “he is doing what he needs to to fix things” and “ I can’t dictate how he should repair our relationship”. He wants his mother to be a part of raising our kids, and quite frankly she does not like our children. What grandmother refuses to pick up a sick child from daycare when she is at home doing nothing. Encourages fighting among the children and encouraged her son to have a affair thinking all of it is funny. He quite frankly thinks he is a catch because he has a good job and flirts with numerous unattractive women and then turns it around stating they were flirting with him what can he do. This is not the environment for small children to grow up in.
I am starting to believe I fell in love with his representative and this was who he was all along. He claims, God and change and all these great things. But his actions state it all. Two years later he is living with his mother and made zero effort to make any changes. Other than I love you so much let’s have the wedding you always wanted. Who cares about a wedding if our daily lives are not peaceful, calm and safe?

My husband, boyfriend at the time, said It’s just what kids do.”….while I was still a virgin. Made me question my own values.

This is an excellent topic this week- this whole series is helpful. In my case, my husband seems to be genuinely remorseful and committed to reconciliation. But I struggle with understanding how could he. As you describe he is a good man, I would never in a million years have expected this. His use of sanitizing language and minimizing the context of the relationship have dragged out my healing. It’s almost been a year since it was revealed. And withholding details and answering with the least details and misrepresenting without taking full responsibility has made it difficult to move forward. Early days I was trying to come to an understanding of the information he shared and how to reconcile it with the person I knew him to be. I worked the problem in my head endlessly, getting nowhere, sleepless nights, torturing myself with details I made up because there were holes in the story. He is supportive and sorry- but his shame stops him from fully disclosing and taking full responsibility- because he too cannot reconcile the person he thought himself to be and the person that created so much pain for someone he loves. Two months ago I finally got more specific details. I listed the questions I had, even the ones that made me feel crazy to ask but it helped. He gave me a written reply to each question and I could see how he was more responsible than he had previous admitted (because he didn’t want to admit it to himself either). It was part of the reason I was struggling but his first story didn’t add up and I kept trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle. It still may be unsolvable but it’s unfair to withhold some of the puzzle pieces and watch your spouse struggle to work on it. I still have to excavate for more information because I am still working this out and he still is holding back. But I know it’s not deliberate- it’s protection. But as I explain to him that protecting himself is worsening my pain, he gets it. He just doesn’t understand how important it is to know what happened to understand the extent of the relationship- I need to know so I know what I’m forgiving him for. He believe the problem is just that it happened- he thinks he can just disclose that and we can move forward rebuilding our marriage. But things like it meant nothing, she was just a friend, I wasn’t looking for this, she pursued me, she means nothing is the worst way to explain the infidelity. The betrayed interprets this as you just risked our life together for someone that means nothing, for a encounter that was nothing. My question is why wouldn’t you take a pass on a sexual act that means nothing with someone who means nothing that carries the risk of devastating the person you love and ending the life we’ve built together?
I’ve also used minimizing language with health care providers using the words encounter or indiscretion because in our society, the betrayed spouse feel shame that her husband had to stray. And I’ve not told a single friend or family member because of the shame of staying and to protect his reputation with them.
Another way it’s minimized is the notion that fellatio isn’t as bad as sex- I can tell you that is incorrect. If you have to lie about the incident, you know it’s unacceptable.

My husband makes several comments to the fact: Well it could have been worse- I could have left you for her, but I stayed. Well, I didn't really know it was going to bother you so much, so when you ask me to stop, I really didn't think you were serious-you should have told me you were serious. Well, we were just trying to see if we could get the rumor mill going at work and it just got a little our of hand. It wasn't a big deal. It really didn't mean anything to me. It really wouldn't bother me if you did that to me, - you just need to chill a little and loosen up instead of being so uptight about everything- you'd have a whole lot more fun it you'd let loose and enjoy things.

It’s not like I did this TO you. I did it, but it had nothing to do with YOU.

"At least I slept with ONE person all those years. If I had slept around you would have been exposed to STD's"
"She didn't have anything you didn't have. It didn't have anything to do with you."
"It was an escape. A place to find stress relief. She didn't have kids. The house was quiet and uncomplicated. It helped me be a better dad when I was home"
"That's not who I am NOW. You only see me through 'cheater' lenses. You not moving on is hurting our marriage more than my cheating did"

“Your family never liked me”
“You didn’t have to worry. You were always being taken care of.”
“There wasn’t that much sex”
“You are too critical and judgemental”
“All my life I have done everything that was expected of me”
Maybe you have heard some of these. They are etched in my memory. D day was almost four years ago. We had just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary 7 months before I found out about his infidelity. I was blindsided. He had been having an affair with his protege at the office for over 2 years. We are separated and I am in counselling. He is not. He told me there is nothing wrong with him.

"We didn't have intercourse that often, and it was usually in a hurry so we wouldn't be caught", "most of the time it was just intimate touching and kissing", and "we didn't linger afterwards". He had a sexual affair that spanned 7 years.

When my wife cheated on me, she would go to great lengths to convince me that if we got divorced, the kids would be OK and that they would move on just like other families that she knows of and that I would find someone else. And also even though both of us did things to each other prior to the affair through almost 30 years of marriage that were hurtful to each other, but she tended to focus on what I had done to her as a cause for why she had an affair, and so tried to lay the blame mostly at my feet.

When I was beginning to suspect the affair and give reasons for my suspicions my husband would often say, “ you want that to-be true because you don’t really want me” and “I’ve loved and taken care of you for over 10 years, how can you betray me by believing something this awful about me”.

Even after discovery he stuck with these mantras for a while , then shifted to, “you don’t understand, what happened between she and I. It is complicated and not black and white like you’re making”.
I have learned the affair lasted just over 2 years- I suspected at the 1 year mark so I have been more devastated by the year he didn’t show a sign or change in behavior toward me. I remain baffled but less hurt by the last 9 months after I tracked, followed and got hard evidence off his phone and repeatedly confronted him with it and he still denied it was a sexual affair… they were just best friends who spent lots of time together, regardless of proof presented. he denied and continued with the affair until I proceeded to end the marriage. Then he confessed but continues to explain how I don’t understand what went on and since I only “want to think what I want to think”, there’s no point trying to explain it to me from his perspective.

Here’s perfect examples. To this day my wife still refuses to call it what it is an AFFAIR. She is persistent and defiant with every counselor we have been to even the current one. It is absolutely infuriates me ! “He (I) makes me call it an affair it was a “Fling”.” She takes the accountability and responsibility completely off herself by saying “He (started it) he kissed me”- numerous times and making out, (she considered it going on a “DATE” including fondling, caressing in the back seat of a car ride home - with absolutely NO ownership saying “I only reciprocated”. The excuses and minimization continue as do the justifications and rationalizations. She denies ANY emotional involvement or feelings for him(s). “ Yes more than one. Inappropriate contact before this one with a doctor at work. Flirting, reciprocating back rubs, and accepted an invite to his bedroom at the hospital for a back rub on his bed behind closed doors. He touched her breast while getting a massage. Only then did she stop and reconsider (became uncomfortable) knowing what he wanted-whic she knew when he called her on the phone to his quarters. She has admitted her attraction to him and in part the prestige of him being a doctor. Makes me feel so attractive and special NOT. She said got up tried to leave and said I can’t do this” as he blocked the door from her leaving) and he said “Are you sure”. She never told anyone. It took her 25 years to tell me after being told there is no more I’ve never done it again from her later affair. And with this I get “I didn’t do anything wrong”. Weird I told her; IF you didn’t do anything wrong you would have told me what you were doing long ago, wouldn’t have done it, and filed a complaint against him. It’s a great reality I have to live with.

My husband claims he has always been monogamous. He views his compulsion with cybersex as being like fantasising. He never had real life sex with these women. He minimises what he did by saying he never had an affair. Two and a half years into recovery and after 25 years of unfaithfulness, he still doesn’t think he had a problem. I’m wondering whether it’s time to move on with my own life.

My husband told me for weeks that he only had sex with his ap once, he told her for months that he didn’t want to cross that line. It was just sexual texts and fantasy talk for months. After being cornered into what “might be” full disclosure now, the truth comes out. He was having oral sex for months, but didn’t consider that “sex”, and so that was where the actual line was drawn. He is not a stupid man. It is insane the things they tell themselves to justify and minimize.